Said I'm Okay but I Know How to Lie
by Clover-Reynolds
Summary: Story Description: Sometimes you make plans but your friends get in the way. That's just life, and usually it ends up being for the better. Three friends find that though they've shared their whole lives together they've all left out crucial pieces, and they all have secrets. Pairing Style, changing POV, Kenny, Kyle and Stan.
1. Chapter 1

Authors Note: So this story is rated M for mature due to mature content. Sexual content (as far as will the website will allow for) and lots and lots of bad words. If you don't like naughty language then you should probably leave now. There will also be some violent content and adult humor.

There is going to be male on male content, if that is not your cup of tea please avoid reading this story for obvious reasons. I am warning you now, so don't whine to me later. Boys may be kissing or touching one another.

Chapter one is short but it was really enjoyable to write. I hope you all enjoy. _Cloren_

Chapter 1

Stan

I feel something warm soaking the part of my pants that are covering my thigh, the same area that Kenny has laid his head down on. That really can't be good, I think to myself, but I put it on the list of places to check after I finish cleaning the cut above his eye.

"That fucking stings" he says to me. But it's quiet, he's putting effort into not moving his mouth too much. Partly because the cut on his lip is still bleeding through the wad of toilet paper he's pressing on it and partly because he doesn't want to get in my way as I dab at his forehead with my mom's dish towel.

"Yeah, it's antiseptic, it's not supposed to feel good genius." I reply annoyed. This really isn't my night is it?

"Maybe it would hurt less if you weren't pressing so damn hard Stan." He bites back. I immediately lighten my hold on the towel easing away.

"You have to put pressure on it though." I say.

We're quiet, I can feel my teeth sinking into my bottom lip as I bite it in concentration. It wasn't that big of a cut, but as soon as he came in from outside it started bleeding again. By the looks of it his face probably hurts like a son of a bitch.

When he first walked in I couldn't see much, he had his hood on and had zipped his hoodie up so it covered his chin. I didn't even catch any of the bruises until he asked me for a tissue for his nose, which has thankfully stopped bleeding.

It looks like I'm not the only one having a screwed up night.

I hear something outside my window, it sounds like yet another set of footsteps and I curse inwardly. It better be the fucking wind because I'm not really in the mood. But there's another sound, metal grating against metal and I know my window is being opened for the second time tonight. The cold air that comes in leaves me no room to doubt and I hear as someone drops into my room. Kenny sits up and looks behind me and I begrudgingly stop what I was doing to whip my head around at the person I am sure is there.

"What's he doing here?" Kyle says and I just stare at him for a moment. What are you doing here, more like it.

Kenny echoes my thoughts immediately and I turn his way to see that he's trying his best to hide behind his non-existent coat.

"Stan?" Kyle says turning to me and I sigh at both of them.

"Working on your cat burgling? If so you should totally teach me a few tricks." Kenny says and I notice he's forced his tone to come off like a joke.

"No, I was supposed to come over and-" Kyle steps over and closes the window then gives me a perplexed glare, as I've yet to say anything.

"You didn't text me. I didn't think you were coming over tonight." I say, and I'm honestly a bit confused. He usually gives me a call and it's well past 2:00 am at this point.

At this Kenny looks at me then at Kyle. I can see the wheels turning and he's too fucking sharp not to pick up on something. And I really don't want him to; I hope his head injury makes him forget to be his usual perceptive self. He smirks when he looks back at me but before he can tease or inquire further Kyle nearly shouts at me in anger.

"I did call you ass hole. You didn't pick up your phone" He walks back over to where me and Kenny are on the bed.

"So wait; you mean to tell me that you were expecting Kyle to come crawling into your room? In the middle of the night?" Kenny says and I really don't feel like explaining this.

"Well I wouldn't have if I had've known that you were going to be here. Stan, are you two having a sleep over or something?" he asks. He looks mad but the way his eyes dart to the ground I can tell something else is eating at him.

"No, Kenny just got here a few minutes ago." And finally I realize that Kenny is bleeding, his head is off my lap but I've glanced down at the warm wet stain on my pants and decide that whatever conversation we need to all have will have to wait till later. I silently turn him around again and he only half heartedly resists as I pull his collar down the back of his neck to get a better look. There's a nasty gash in the back of his blond hair and it looks bad. Bad enough to need stitches probably. I can't say I know how to do anything like that.

"Take that off, the hoods soaked with blood. You got it on my pants." Kenny pulls his arm behind him and fingers the spot I've just examined, the way his fingers graze over it I can tell he's surprised to find anything there. That's definitely worrisome.

"What happened to your face?" Kyle says, and he means a whole lot more than that. He eyes the same wound I've been looking at and Kenny's shoulders hunch up defensively.

"Nothing much. Is it an improvement?" he asks sarcastically. I can tell he definitely doesn't want to talk about this. I didn't even ask, not that I didn't care to, but I can guess and I'm pretty sure he's had enough of a rough night without having to go into this.

"Stan? What happened." Kyle's pitch hikes up with a whine and I'm honestly on my last nerve. I just wanted to go to sleep and when he gets like this I really can't stand it. I find myself pinching the bridge of my nose trying to stop the irritation from giving me another head ache.

"Nothing, drop it. Sit down on the bed. Now." I look away and turn my attention back to Ken, who has finally taken off his hoodie and is sitting in a white tank top that has yellow and brownish stains in various places.

I'll have to fetch him a t-shirt, probably some pjs too. He could do with a shower or a bath, his clothes smell like piss and cigarettes. I don't mention it, I never have because I know it's not his fault he always smells like ass. I know how self-conscious he is about it already.

At least his tank has cleared me a way to treat the gash on the back of his head. I steer him face first into the mattress and I reach for one of the ice packs I brought into the room when he first arrived.

I put it at the base of his neck and apply pressure. He tenses and groans annoyed at the shock of ice. He flips over when I've secured a towel behind him like a pillow and I more or less prop him up with a star shaped pillow I've had since I was eight. It's small but it's within my reach. Kyle is sitting on the edge of the bed watching me and whatever anger he was feeling before has faded. He looks tired, and nervous and I'm sure at this point he's definitely regretting coming over here in the middle of the night.

Just a few minutes ago I was sitting in that same spot, staring blankly at my wall. I kept telling myself I would fall back into my mattress and finally get some sleep, but I had been sitting there for a long time, long enough for my muscles to feel rigid. I'd jumped up off my bed when Kenny jumped through the window pulling me out of my funk, he was a complete mess.

It's true, none of us are having the night we wanted to have.


	2. Chapter 2

Authors Note: So I am posting the first three chapters because it doesn't really do anyone any good just to read the first. And I do have a few of these finished already so I'll try to post what I have finished that actually fits into the timeline I wanted. So enjoy some Kenny for now.

Chapter 2

Kenny

The darkness that surrounded me cleared as I feel my eyes struggling to open. I'm cringing at the light as it blinds me. I see the familiar stained ceiling, the largest brown stain leaking dark liquid through. There are cracks all over the place like it's about to fall in and off in the corner you can make out the section that has recently come loose, reveling a layer of insulation. I try to turn my head and I can make out the grungy carpet. I'm on the floor, curled up on my side against the wall in our living room. I wonder briefly how I got there but I make an effort to sit up and immediately feel a sense of dizzying nausea. I'm bleeding and though these aren't ideal conditions to wake up to I'm glad I'm not dead.

I attempt to stand up and steady myself against the wall so I don't fall over. The room is bright but empty. It took me a little while to remember why that would relieve me so much. But we'd been fighting, even if I had gotten amnesia I would still be able to see that much. The room is a complete mess the objects my step father threw at my mother earlier are all over the floor, and the couch is still upturned facing the ceiling.

That man is a special breed of monster, the bruises on my face can attest to that. And all I'd tried to do was step in before the man killed my poor drugged up mother. Things had been so much better before my old man left.

A few years back my mom and dad would fight nearly every night. The abuse went both ways but neither of them laid a hand on us kids. The drugs were awful, and of course having no food in the house and no parents around, usually because they were out getting high, was a form of abuse. But I realized even back then that it could be worse. They could beat us or scream at us. But no matter how drunk my dad was, or how mad he'd get he wouldn't actually try to kill us.

But then dad was arrested for drunk driving, yet again. And though the state should have done a bit more investigating, given that mom was in the car next to him shit faced too, they only arrested him. Stuart landed 5 years in prison, and apparently my mom wasn't willing to wait for him to get out. For a little while she seemed depressed. I was the one who started getting the food stamps out and did all the shopping when my loser older brother moved out to get away from them. I refused to buy her booze, or any of the other recreational drugs we couldn't afford. And in the end she had apparently turned to Eddy, a dealing scumbag who'd just gotten out of prison and needed a place to crash.

Nobody asked me my opinion, Eddy just moved in, bringing his own neglected kids into our already cramped house. I lost my bedroom and was forced to sleep on the floor next to my sister. If the situation itself wasn't so fucked up the universe had to put that extra icing of shit on the crap cake I call life. Eddy has a temper, and apparently he hates the fuck out of me.

For a little while I had been saving up money by working odd jobs around town. Anyplace that would hire a minor my age and would work around my school schedule. I just needed to get enough money to get out of the house, and take my little sister with me. I kept the money in a bank account, just so my parents wouldn't find it. My mom had been stealing my change out of my piggy bank for years before that I knew not to trust her. But one day I left my wallet at home and my step father somehow stole my fucking bank card and got all of the money out of my account. I didn't realize what had happened until I came home and found a bag of blow on the counter with my step dad passed out in front of it.

I fucking hate that ass hole. The fight we had after was the first time the man had laid his hands on me. He'd fucked up my nose but the rest of the bruises were easily hidden under a shirt. I tried to stay as far away from that prick since then. But tonight I just had enough of my mother's screams as Eddy fucked her up.

I leave the house without ceremony, not bothering to turn off the lights. I'm only halfway down the street before I realize I need a heavier coat on. My hoodie, a black and orange striped patchwork mess is thinning in age. I had gotten it from Good Will two years ago and it was already old at that point. I havn't had a good hoodie since my old orange one, but eventually even a small kid like me would grow out of that thing. I don't like how thin this one is but living the way we do I had to take what I could get. I probably don't have a warmer coat at home anymore anyway.

My step dad was having garage sales every weekend trying to shuck our pieces of shit to other people. He's been coming in my room and taking my things, even when I hide them. The only thing that's safe is a stereo I got for Christmas a few years back, Stan and Kyle pitched in for my gift and I used to keep it at home but I decided when Eddy came in to keep it in Kyle's garage. I could tell then that the asshole would steal it to pawn it off. By now he might have sold off my only coat for a nickel for all I know. The thing definitely isn't worth even that.

The cold's biting through the pathetic layer covering me and I quickly pull up my hoodie and pull the strings tight. Soon my bottom lip is covered and my eyes barely peeked through the top. My lip is bleeding all over my hoodie but the flow is already starting to stave off, probably due to the cold slowing my blood. My eyes are stinging and my left eye is swollen from a punch I received earlier thanks to my piece of shit step dad. I bend down to grab some snow with my bare hand and press it into a ball. I put it on my eye and feel a mix of relief and a sting of pain at the coldness. After crossing the tracks I looked down the street in both directions.

My head is spinning and I can't think fast enough. I know I want to go to Stan's but I'm getting this hazy feeling that I don't really know which way I was going. Last time I had a night like this I'd been on automatic, getting to Stan's house before I could even register leaving. This time I'm moving slowly down the familiar streets I've known since my childhood.

I always go to Stan's these days; there isn't any other place for me to go. When I was a kid I would frequent all of my friends' houses. I rarely spent a night at home in those days, but after a while I picked up on the fact that their parents really didn't want me there. And after a while I started to feel unwanted even by the kids. In middle school I stayed home every night, even when my friends did invite me to sleep overs I'd eventually come home. I didn't like the looks I got and I felt like they only invited me out of obligation.

In my first few years of high school when my mom was depressed all the time and different people would come barging into our house I'd leave and sleep outside. I'd pretend it was something fun, sometimes I'd bring a tent and get my sister to come with me so she wouldn't be at the mercy of those ass holes. But it wasn't fun, it was cold and shitty. And my sister would always cry herself to sleep and I would stay up trying to think of what I could do to stop this. I'd come home when I got hungry or we'd go to the rec center to shower. Actually we did that a lot anyway because our water or power or heat is always cut off. When I worked I'd try to pay those bills but I couldn't always keep up with it.

But even when I slept outside Stan knew my little secret and was the only person who would worry constantly unless I came over. Stan noticed the bruises that started appearing after Eddy came into our lives and if he found one after one of his violent bouts he'd kick me in the shins and tell me I should have come over. I didn't really understand this, Stan wasn't my best friend after all. But it was nice to have a place to run to. And even I have to admit to myself that I feel safe at Stan's house.

Lately I've been sneaking into his room, so as to not disturb Stan's parents. The Marsh's always wake up to find me eating breakfast with their son, and they give him a weird look every time but they don't mention that anything is out of the ordinary routine. They didn't seem to mind as much as most parents that the poor kid sometimes lived at their house. Mrs. Marsh always just smiles at me and offers for me to stay for dinner, which I usually accept.

I know Stan told them about the fights but neither of his parents ever asked me about it. I'm thankful but also a bit confused by that. As responsible adults; shouldn't they report it or something.

It's not like I want to be treated like a victim, I'm not a fucking pussy. It's just I expected someone to care, to butt in and try to take me away from my family. I've been in foster care once before, but even then it was only a half assed attempt to keep me and my baby sister safe. I don't care either way. I don't want to be put into some goody goody house hold with people who are out on a mission to save us from our horrible parents.

My parents aren't horrible.

_Okay they are, but no one has the right to judge us._

I can take care of myself; I can work harder, maybe drop out of school or something and get another job. Hell even Eddy will be scared of me after tonight. I landed a few good punches, I didn't cry and pussy out when he was hitting my mom. I jumped his ass with an empty bottle and hit him over the head to get him to stop. He was just a bit quicker or something. But whatever, I won't let him do it again. And I'm not just going to abandon my mom or my sister. That's what losers do, and I'm not a loser.

I'm freezing, literally freezing and I start to wonder about freezing to death. I've heard about it, I've been cold enough before, back home on the nights the power was out for days and my house was barely better than being outside. I used to pile up blankets and bury under them until I could leave for school in the morning and finally get warm. The blankets, an inexplicable gift from Butters years ago at a Nascar race were hawked off by my step father last month for a few bucks. I've been freezing ever since.

I wonder if your blood can freeze solid. If I stood out here long enough would it happen. I remember years ago Eric tried to get me to freeze him so he could wake up after one week and get a Wii. Or was I supposed to go wake him up to thaw him out. I forget. He came back after only an hour and told us this stupid story about going to the future to fight atheism. He's just a stupid ass hole though, always lying and playing pretend. I don't think he even knows what is real and what he's just made up half the time.

I don't want to think about dying out here and I definitely don't want to think about fat ass Cartman. I'm at Stan's now anyway, and the lights are all off. His house is dark, no street lamps, not that I have those on my street either, but you tend to expect that sort of thing in the ghetto. But I sneak around his back yard and I climb the little shed his father built two years ago. It's sturdy, which makes it super easy to get up to Stan's window. His dad is kind of stupid sometimes, he definitely wasn't thinking about break-ins when he built this thing.

I'm standing on the shed looking into Stan's window just to make sure he's there. The window is unlocked, I pull it a bit but I stop distracted by him. He's just sitting there, staring at a wall. His little dolphin nightlight is the only source of light in the room but I can see him perfectly. He's still as can be, breathing at a slow steady pace. His whole face has fallen like he's the most depressed person in the whole world. I've seen him look like this a few times actually, Stan's always been on the emotional side, even if he is a loud mouthed jock. I watch him for a while, my mind is too slow right now but I can't stop wondering what's up. He looks heart broken.

Finally my fingers start to numb and I realize I've been gripping the cold metal of his frame for a few minutes now. I pull on the window and jump down into his room in one motion.

He jumps into the air, coming off his bed with speed I didn't realize he possessed. His eyes go wide and he just stares at me, no scream or anything else; just him jumping out of his fucking skin at the sight of me.

"What the fucking hell Kenny." He says, but it's not yelling like I expected. He still seems a bit out of it.

"Sorry, I just came in. Thought you'd be sitting there all night not noticing me up there." I try to smile but he's not really looking at me anymore. He's looking down, and I'd categorize the look on that face as embarrassment. That I caught him staring at his wall?

I walk over to his bed and sit down, the heat is good and bad, it instantly makes my swollen face throb and at the same time my body feels relaxed at not having to tense in the cold. The shakes come, but it's all part of thawing out.

"What are you doing here?" he asks and I barely meet his eyes before dropping mine.

I really don't want to explain this shit to him.

"Can I sleep here?" I ask and he nods his head. I don't explain, I don't even feel like bitching about it. I just want to go to sleep in a warm bed. But I am bleeding, my nose is leaking blood and I watch as some of it drips onto the floor. I pull up my shirt to catch it but I need something else.

"You got a tissue?" I ask frantically. And before I know it Stan has run across the room and is back with a tissue.

I press it to my face and I get this horrible unsettling feeling like I'm being stared at. Stan kneels in front of me and I back away, still holding the tissue to my nose. I ignore him and lean my head back, it helps stop the blood I think.

Stan's hand comes to my knee and I flinch badly enough to hear him mutter an "I'm sorry" to me. But he's still looking me over and I don't want to know what he sees.

"You need a few ice packs and some bandages, I'll be right back. Stay right there, or go to the bathroom if you start bleeding a lot. I'll be back" he says and I watch him go out of his room, closing the door on his way out.

I hope he's quiet enough not to wake his parents, it would suck if they ended up coming in here. Now I can't help but think about the way he just looked at me. Stan can get as excited as his dad when it comes to certain things, sure he's always been out to save the whales, or veal or something else gay like that. But it looked like he wanted to drag me off to a hospital, and I am not going to let myself become Stan's next faggy project. I don't need that in my life.

I wait for him to come back and he's already unzipping my hoodie and pulling it back to get a better look at my face. He grimaces which I take to mean that my handsome features are pretty fucked up right now.

He presses a towel to my face, right above my brow line and I realize I've been cut there. There was blood on my nose and chin and I assumed it was all coming out of my nose, but I guess he got me up top too, the bastard. Stan has brought in a bucket and I notice it has a few ice packs and dish towels and some band aids, maybe a first aid kit at the bottom. There's disinfectant in a small bottle and he pours it onto the towel for me.

"How do I look?" I ask stupidly. He frowns at me but keeps dabbing at the cut on my eyebrow, which stings like hell.

"You look about as good as I feel right now." And I can tell by the face he's making that whatever I noticed before, Stan's poor little broken heart shining through was definitely more than just my own imagination.


	3. Chapter 3

Authors note: I kind of like writing from Kyle POV. He's a bit bitchy which is easy for me to understand. I kind of expect him to be whiney and frustrated. I really enjoy authors notes, but I don't know how to write them. Maybe it's easier to respond to something than to describe it.

Chapter 3

Kyle

It's only 8:00 pm and I'm honestly going to go crazy tonight. I can feel it. Every inch of me is itching to leave already. And I know I can't because my mom is such a coddling annoyance. Every night after she watches the ten o clock news she comes up stairs and checks in on Ike and me. Then I will have to wait for her to finish reading whatever book she's on while she's in bed. I won't know if she's asleep until I hear the snoring, she snores so freaking loudly it's amazing dad can sleep in there. Once I hear it then I can sneak out.

I do not under any circumstance want either of them to know where I'm going tonight. I don't want to sit and explain it, because I know she'll get every last ounce of information from me and that would be just the worst possible thing that could happen. I mean Stan wants this to be a secret and I'm nervous already about keeping it from everyone.

I mean just the other day I was waiting for him at the local coffee hut and I was thinking about him. When I saw him down the street I must have broken out in happiness because Mr. Tweek came over and asked me if my coffee was that good cause I was smiling like a fool. I was so embarrassed that I left and met Stan outside so he wouldn't have to know how stupid I was. But really, I mean every time I see him I just get so- god I really am an idiot.

I'm surprised our friends haven't realized, at first I thought it would be obvious, but like he says, we spent so much time together before it's not like anything has changed.

I didn't think it would ever happen. I really didn't, I mean when I first realized how I felt I got super mad. At myself and at him, but mostly at the universe. It was like God was mocking me: here have this amazing guy in your life every moment of every day but haa haa you can't actually have him. Being in love with your straight best friend feels a lot like getting kicked in the nuts. Not being able to tell him cause you think it's unrequited is even worse.

But I started thinking, maybe over thinking but I couldn't help it. See, Stan has this horrible problem when it comes to girls. He gets so nervous, this is what he used to say you know, so nervous at the thought of kissing them that he gets queasy and then he pukes. A girl in middle school even leaned forward and started kissing him once, and he says he panicked and I'll take his word for it, but suddenly he was puking on her. It totally got in her mouth, cause they were frenching, which apparently set off his gag reflexes. I've never felt so bad for him.

I helped him get past all that, but that's a whole other story. I can't believe it took us almost four years after our first kiss to realize we should date. Well I've always thought we should, it just took him that long. After he got over the nervous kissing thing, thanks to me ironically, he could go out with any girl. And being his super awesome best friend he ended up telling me everything about going out with girls. So much so that I kept getting pissed off. He's fucking stupid, I mean I've liked him this whole time and I'm the lucky bastard he got to confess to when he lost his virginity. I was so sick with jealousy I barely even listened to him.

And it's funny cause he says he always knew girls weren't really his thing. I mean he totally fucking puked in a chick's mouth for kissing him. In my anger I guess I missed how he'd mentioned feeling sick when he was with her, and I guess he realized around then. But god is he stupid, because I mean, he kept dating them. He probably stopped sleeping with them, but he still dated girls. And he didn't even like it, but of course a jocks got to do jock things. And his parents would kill him for ever getting gay with a guy.

Which is why after the last three months when we are finally together I'm still sneaking around in the middle of the night. I haven't been to his house for a week, and seeing him at school really isn't enough for me. It sounds clingy but keeping this a secret when all I really want to do is flaunt it in front of people is hard. I have to play the best friend and I miss his kisses. I like having sleep overs, I like spending time with my boyfriend, secret or not.

I really don't think I'm going to make it till midnight, it's only 10:30 and my mom is still watching the news. The more I think about Stan the less likely I am to finish this chapter. It stopped my distraction for a few hours but goddammit I can't take much more of this.

He was smiling today, he looked so happy and I was having a rough morning until I saw him waiting to walk me to class. He lit up and I must have too cause after a while walking together he asked me to calm down because people were looking my way. I just swallowed hard trying my best. I wonder if they found out about us what they would think. He's good looking, playing all those sports has really gotten him into shape and it's not like anyone can't see how handsome he is. And here I am, pale and skinny and taller than I thought I'd ever get but not athletic at all. I couldn't dunk to save my life, even though I love Basketball and I've always played and I'm probably about tall enough to. I'm just a bit uncoordinated sometimes, and I have no time to practice anymore with all the honors classes mom made me take this year. I think we look odd together, but we're best friends so no one would think a thing.

But if Stan Marsh were going out with me, I think everyone would say something. Well he is going out with me but if they knew, I mean I was voted the ugliest boy in my class. Sure I've grown since then, but I couldn't figure out why the girls thought I was ugly when I was only 9 yrs old. Now that I'm 17 I'm probably a lot more awkward looking. I hope I'm not, I never asked Stan but I get a bit confident when I figure that he wouldn't be with me if he thought I was entirely unattractive. Although given his track record with girls that make him sick I still have my reservations.

I mean even being gay Stan could have his pick. Makes me kind of happy he picked me. And I'm not a bad prospect or anything, I am successful in everything that I do. And I am taking college level classes right now, and I've been doing that since junior year. So at least one day I'll go to a good school and have a good job and that's got to be worth at least something.

It's midnight and I've finished my homework for the night. My parents are in bed and I stopped listening for my mom's snoring the moment I heard a muffled "Oh Jerald". I snapped my head phones on and I'm listening to music trying to stay awake.

I've texted Stan but he hasn't texted me back yet. I'm staring at my phone and right now it says I texted him 7 minutes and 46 seconds ago. I keep checking it but he hasn't texted me back.

Maybe he's already asleep, I thought since it was Friday maybe he'd wait up for me. I usually call him every night and he talks to me until we decide to go to bed. But I was thinking since I'm going over there anyway that I'd just text. He hasn't even called me to say goodnight yet.

He's a bastard, it's been 10 minutes and he's not sent a goddamn thing. And I'm pathetic, I know cause I'm still staring at the screen.

Fuck him, I'm texting him again. I send three messages in a row, hoping the noise will wake him up, if he's asleep and he'd better be. I don't know if he can tell how frustrated I am by them. Actually the text isn't hostile enough to pick up anything, and Stan's too dense to feel my frustration from there.

But maybe he's just trying this whole dating me thing out. Maybe he's realizing that he's not really into dating his best friend who happens to be a guy. Maybe I just sort of convinced him that being with me would be a good idea because he feels yucky with girls. It's possible it was just that one girl he banged, I could have told him, like a better friend would have, to keep trying and he'd find the right one.

He's probably keeping our relationship a secret from everybody so he can just back out of it without having to lose everything over it. It is a lot to come out of the closet in a small hick town, especially if you're so unsure.

I feel something drip from my nose and I lie to myself again about wiping it off. It's been happening for a few nights now, but I'm not crying. Because if I'm crying then I'm not as happy as I thought I'd be once I got the one person I've waited for my whole life. If I'm crying then it means I'm ungrateful, and I really am gratified to have him. I just worry too much.

I stand up and call him, the phone rings and I hang up immediately. What will I say to him? I swallow down the lump in my throat and hum a bit of the music I've been listening to. If I do get him I don't want to sound like I've been crying, because I wasn't. I'm not in a mood to explain what I was crying about, even if I had been. I sigh out loud, knowing my parents won't think anything of that noise.

"I'm on my way over." I say to the dark room softly. And it sounds chipper and excited the way my voice is supposed to sound when I'm talking to my boyfriend. So I force another smile, so he can hear it through the phone and I dial again.

It rings and rings, too many times and then I get the voicemail. I don't want to leave a message but I bite the bullet, even though I know by now my smile is gone and he can hear it in my voice.

"Hey babe, just calling again. Wanted to let you know I'm coming over tonight. Bye." I say and I barely make that last word sound happy. God I called him babe. That is really lame. I hope he doesn't think anything of it.

I pull on my coat and some mittens and sit on the edge of my bed with a pair of boots.

He's a fucking bastard. I lie back on my bed and close my eyes for a while. I want him to call me back. I'm not going to leave until he calls me back. Tonight is going to be our night as soon as he calls back.


	4. Chapter 4

_Okay so like I said I had several of these written but I'm an editing-holic so I don't really want to fall behind with posting. I also write chapters out of order so I have to reformat the story. But since I've hit a bit of writer's block I thought I should at least post this now, because it finishes up the perspectives to get back to the beginning._

Chapter 4

Stan

I've just showered after football practice and I feel clean for the first time in a few hours. We play even when the grass is wet with melted snow and I get so much mud on me it's ridiculous. I put the towel around my neck and sit with a bottle of water at our dinner table smiling to myself. Today is Friday, and it's the last practice I have this week and we don't have a game tomorrow which means I have Saturday morning all to myself. When I call Kyle tonight I'm telling him to come over.

He had that look in his eyes, the one he gets sometimes when he looks at me and I can tell he just wants to kiss me wherever we are regardless of what I asked of him. He gets it sometimes when we're lying in bed together and I'm kissing him like crazy. I know I'm the one taking things as slowly as we're taking them. I always stop before things get too heated, and he's fine with it. Because for the most part I know we both just enjoy being together, sleeping next to each other. I might have more experience, I'm not sure, I should really ask him, but I'm hesitating anyway.

But the way things have been progressing tonight seems to be a good night for it. I think he picked up on that and now that that's gotten into my head I can't stop thinking about it. Cause if it's with Kyle I'm sure it's going to be amazing. And my parents are going out of town, I forgot to tell him. Well actually I really don't want to scare him off. I don't want to pressure him, just because we have the house to ourselves doesn't mean we have to do it. I mean I don't want him to get nervous. I'll just play this the way I usually play it. If it happens it happens.

Not to say I'm not willing to put forth a few of my moves to get things going.

I've got to stop thinking about this, I can hear my mom coming in and I've got a hard on in these stupid sweat pants which means I've got to stay sitting. She stares at me then goes over to oven. She looks mad and I'm not sure what I did. But whatever, she's probably pmsing, I mean, not to be sexist cause I'm not okay. I know girls get pissed at any time of the month not just during that time, but my mom and my sister have always had unreasonably bad pms. They always yell at me or my idiot dad and then stomp around the house glaring at inanimate objects. My mom gets really short with me and I try my best to just avoid her for three to five days like I was taught in health class. Of course lately mom's been really pissy, and I know it lasted more than a week.

"Stanley, ugh I just don't know what I'm going to do with you." She says while scrubbing a dish extra hard. It might break this time.

"What did I do?" I ask defensively and she turns to me, stopping what she was doing.

"You know I'm really tired of your attitude young man. I went into your room today and picked up your laundry. Again. And I can't believe I have to ask you ever frigging week to pick up your mess. I'm not your goddamn maid, regardless of what your father has told you." She turns back around and I groan at her.

Really? Laundry? That's what crawled up her butt and died. My freaking laundry. I was so going to take it downstairs and put it in the hamper but I was at school all day and just got home from practice. She can see that, I just finished my shower.

I don't mention any of this, because my mom isn't mad about laundry. I don't want to fight about what she is mad about either, it's not worth knowing.

"Sorry mom."

"Sorry mommy" she whispers under her breath, clearly mocking me. I must admit that surprising. She huffs to herself and for a moment I think she's going to lecture me more. But instead she continues to scrub and I sit down to watch television in the living room. The college football game is on and I don't want to miss any more than I have already.

She answers the phone a half an hour or so later and I hear her talking in the kitchen. I think she's talking to Shelley who is at the University in Denver. I'm not listening to her, the games drowning them out. But when I get up to grab a coke and some chips I see my mom leaning over the table with one hand over her face crying. I hear her muttering into the phone to my sister and I grab my stuff quickly and back out of the room. Maybe a relative died or something. I'm not sure but I can't help but get distracted from whatever is making mom cry by the next field goal kick which actually goes in. I give a whoop despite myself and jump back into dad's recliner popping the lid to my soda can.

The game ends and I go upstairs to my room, I haven't seen mom in a while and I guess she's packing or something. I should really call Kyle, tell him to come over at the usual time. I should see what he's up to too I guess, I didn't get to talk to him much at school today. It's tougher having practically no classes together, he's in the honors program and taking AP classes and I was always too dumb to get into those. I'm lucky to still have lunch with him, it's the only time we see each other.

I had to pick a boyfriend who was way smarter than me.

Sometimes I wonder what's going to happen at the end of the year. We haven't really talked about where he's applied to yet, but I bet it's a butt load of expensive smart schools. I bet he could get into any of them. Maybe I can get a sports scholar ship or something, that's all I really have going for me.

I lay down on my bed thinking about the future. I really don't want to imagine living far apart and only visiting each other during breaks. That would be impossible. I bet he'd find someone else, smarter and with more money or something and he'd break up with me. Like long distance relationships ever work out.

I roll over onto my belly and bury my face in my star shaped pillow. It's got micro beads in it which are soft as all get out. I love this thing, I really do.

"Hey Stan, you awake sweet heart." I hear my mother's voice outside my door and I realize I might have dozed off. It's already passed eleven. My mom comes in and I roll over lazily and try to sit up. She turns on my lamp and sits in my desk chair looking grim. She's got red rimmed eyes which are a bit swollen from crying so hard and I realize there's something really wrong. I'm a dick, I should have asked her earlier.

She folds her hands together in her lap and fidgets with her fingers looking like she doesn't know what to say to me.

"What's up mom?" I ask, hoping to break the ice.

"There's something I need to talk to you about Stan." She says, but she's not looking at me. She sighs and shakes her head. Then continues.

"I know you've heard this from me before, god we're idiots. I've had this same conversation with you twice now." She shakes her head again and I feel her frustration breaking through the depressed feelings in the room.

"What's that?" For a second I hope it's still about the laundry, the way her face is set I'm pretty sure it's not. But I can fix laundry.

"Your father and I are getting a divorce, for the last time. I don't want to give you false hope, and I know you've already been through this. But we've decided it's for the best this time."

My mouth gapes wide open. I was not expecting that. They haven't talked divorce since I was ten, and life was total shit back then. And now she's bringing it up again.

"What do you mean? Why?" I ask. I'm really at a loss, because they have been getting along the way they always do and I just don't understand.

"Well because your dad has taken a job in Denver at a geology lab and he's going to move in with his new girlfriend and her kids." She tries a smile, like she wants what is best for him, but I see a hint of how bitter she is about this.

I didn't know my father had a girlfriend. I didn't know he wanted to live with a whole different family either. I can feel my mouth moving, gaping like a fish out of water and I'm so confused. But I know it's true by the way my mother sits, bitter and defeated. My Dad's such a fucking ass hole. And it's not like I don't believe he's capable of this, if ever there was a fuck up it's definitely Randy Marsh. But, he didn't even talk to me and he's moving away.

"I wasn't willing to move to Denver anyway, and I'm not the kind of person to tolerate someone cheating on me, no matter how much I love them." And she shakes her head as if trying to resign herself to this.

I'm floored, completely taken aback. I can't say anything, I can't blink. I'm just staring at her, trying to wrap my mind around this. Because mom and dad are leaving the house tonight, they're going on a date, probably to watch the Broadway show that's in Denver right now. That's what they do. And now she's telling me they're getting divorced.

"Where's dad Right now?" I finally ask and she sighs before looking up at me.

"He left last night with a few suitcases, he already got the movers booked to come tomorrow and move his stuff to Denver. I'm visiting my folks for a little while. I think you're old enough to hold down the fort for me while I figure some stuff out Stanley. Plus you have school and you'll need to finish out the semester. I'll keep the house with your dad's help until you graduate, then we'll worry about moving out." She sighs and I can tell she's settled everything with me. She's not going to cry and tell me her feelings like she probably did with Shelley, she'll get that out with her parents too I guess. She just tells me the bare minimum, like my whole world hasn't been shifted yet again.

My parents are so fucking selfish, I can't even tell if they love me. I think they want to love me, I think they try in their own way. But my dad is always so over the top it's ridiculous. And mom just follows along with things and they are both really dumb. They misunderstand almost everything. Which made them perfect for each other, that's what I convinced myself of the last time they pulled this shit. And now, neither of them will be here for my game on Wednesday, probably not for the homecoming game next weekend either. I shouldn't be surprised but I am. I know neither of them will see much of me this year and it's so unfair. My last year in high school and this is what they decide to do. What the fuck.

"Why? This is so sudden. Why is this happening now?" I'm asking and it doesn't make sense but the words fly out of my mouth anyway.

"It's not just happening now Stanley, your fathers been cheating for a few months now and I've known about it for a few weeks. We were sorting it out. Going to marriage counseling and what not, but your father made his decision and I've made mine. I'm sorry I had to be the one to tell you this." She gets up and stares at me nervously. I'm just sitting, not blinking still and I can tell she's a bit worried about me. She walks over and wraps her arms around me and gives me a squeeze.

I feel her shaking and I feel her body wobble and then she's crying and hugging onto me and I'm not sure what to do. I pat her back gently, but as quickly as it started it stops and she leans back and glares down at me. I'm not sure what I've done wrong until I watch her leave my room and hear he walk away. It actually takes a few minutes for me to remember how much I look like dad. She always says I remind her of him, same hair and eyes , I'm taller but I definitely favor him. She's been saying a lot lately that I look like he did when they first met. I bet she doesn't want to hug someone who reminds her of the person who just hurt her. Even though that's really mean, and I wanted to hug her back. I guess she needed to step away from me, just because I look like dad.

I don't have to question this conclusion, it was written all over her face. Maybe she's been such a bitch to me today cause of the same thing.

I sigh to myself. The wall isn't very interesting, and I really need to sleep. But I'm still staring at it. It's not just that my parents' marriage has failed, it's that romance doesn't last. That nothing lasts. I can feel the shit coming back, everything and everyone is just shitty. I still haven't learned how to handle this. I don't know how to make it go away.

Cause it's not just that my dad's moving to Denver, it's that I don't know what I'm going to do. Where am I supposed to go? Where am I coming home to? I need to move closer to Kyle, I can't stay here and I won't move in with either of those ass holes.

But I can't concentrate on that problem, for everything that is suddenly flooding my mind, a million other things come up. I can't help but do this, one little thing happens and suddenly my mind spins out into depression. It's not a way of handling anything but it's always been my reaction to things. I'm on love and romance and break ups one minute then the next I can't stop thinking about the war that's still going on. And nothing even connects, and everything and everybody sucks so hard right now. Especially my parents.

I try to think about Kyle to cheer me up. He's coming over and I can give him a hug and maybe a few kisses and everything will feel alright again because he'll be here with me. But how long will that last? I'm happy for maybe a minute before that question shatters everything.

I wanted to tell my mom and dad about us. I was waiting for a good time, and no wonder I couldn't find one lately with them so preoccupied with divorcing one another for good. I didn't even have a chance to talk to dad in person. I've been too scared of his reaction. Cause sure he accepts gays in general but I know he'll freak out over having a gay son. I know this and I really have been trying to avoid it. And I can't just break it to mom now, when she's dealing with so much other shit. Part of me has been scared that they'd kick me out or something. It's totally irrational but it's not like it hasn't happened before to some other guy.

Maybe I'm the one being selfish. My folks were married for twenty six years, it's a long time. They raised two kids together and now my dad's cheating and my mom's unhappy. But it's so unfair.

I'm overreacting, I should lay down and sleep. I'll feel better if I just lay back down and fall asleep. But I don't.

My window opens just as I'm about to lay down, or so I've been telling myself. And all that tension finally releases itself as I jump out of my skin, my body matching what my mind's been doing for hours now.

"What the fuck Kenny?" I manage to say.

_I like Stan a lot, I think he's a funny character. I really enjoyed the newer episodes in season 15 You're Getting Old and Assburgers. I think his parents got divorced in Tree House too and of course we all know how emo he can be from the episode Raisins. I mentioned this pillow in the first chapter, I just really like pillows. I'm definitely not referencing anything. _

_I really would appreciate any input or criticism, I'm sure most of you know that it helps motivate. I'm just really appreciative for anyone who takes the time to read this story, and I would like to thank you now for doing so. If you would like to review, it would truly make me so happy. _

_Cloren._


	5. Chapter 5

_Author's Note: Oh thank god we are back to Kyle's POV, I feel like he's my spirit animal sometimes. We're both bitchy redheads with hair that is unruly. Hope you enjoy this chapter_

_-Cloren_

_Edit: So I uploaded these out of order because during my last editing rampage (I write these out of order and reformat them when I find the place in the story I want them to have) I had a horrible brain dead moment and forgot that the beginning of the next chapter reflects on the end of this one. Sorry for the confusion, I fail at life._

Chapter 5-

Kyle

I'm watching as Stan tries to get the bandage he's put on the back of Kenny's head to stay in place. At first he reaches for some sort of adhesive tape, but it's getting caught in Kenny's hair. He tries to wrap a bandage around to secure the little square but it would have to go around Kenny's chin. I really think we should take him to the hospital. I'm sure they've already had the conversation as to why they havn't done so already. I came in on this late. But it's probably an ass retarded reason knowing Kenny. Like his parents can't afford health insurance so he doesn't want to bother.

I'm crossing my arms and leaning on the headboard with my knees up and my feet on the bed. I don't like any of this. I don't like that Kenny's here, or the fact that he looks like a car just hit him. I don't like that Stan hasn't looked at me since I came in.

"Why didn't you check your phone tonight." I find myself asking. I'm not mad, just curious and I hope this is a neutral subject. I can tell something is up with Stan and I want him to talk to me.

"I didn't have it on me." He says. I can tell he's not going to elaborate on that.

"But you knew I was going to call you. I always do." I say and I'm waiting for him to turn to look at me, but he doesn't.

"I got busy and then I dozed off. I'm sorry." He replies. I don't believe he's sorry, he just sounds sad but not about this. I sigh annoyed and turn my head away.

"So-" Kenny pauses and we both turn to him. He's being dramatic in a way that I'd rather not see. "Since when have you guys been going out?" he finishes.

I blush like mad burying my head in my knees. I hope Stan doesn't expect me to answer that. He'd better not deny it either though.

It's quiet for a while, maybe Stan's waiting for me to say something, but all I really feel like doing is explaining the truth which I know he doesn't want. Shit he's going to deny it. I'm clenching my fists so hard I can feel my nails digging into my palm.

"Three months I think." He says simply. I whip my head up and stare at him surprised.

"And why didn't you tell me?" Kenny asks angrily.

The conversation is continuing and I'm surprised at Stan's easy answer and Kenny's sudden anger.

"It's between him and me."

"But I'm your fucking friend. And I've been around, you could have had a talk with me."

"We're keeping it a secret; we don't want everybody at school to know." I say. Stan looks at me then back to Kenny and nods.

"Friends don't keep secrets from each other." Kenny says.

"Well it's not everybody's business, and it's certainly not yours so butt out." I argue back.

"Fuck you Kyle, I'm not going to go around and tell everybody. I'm not like that. I don't like it when you two keep secrets from me. Especially something like this-"

"Do you have a problem with it?" Stan asks suddenly interrupting him. I can tell he means to say "You'd better not have a problem with it." But he gives Kenny an option.

"Yeah I do." Kenny says and he sits up and backs away from Stan who had finished with the latest bandage a while ago.

"I never thought you'd feel that way." Stan says and I can understand. Okay so maybe I was hesitant at telling most of our friends, I imagined a few would be grossed out by it or would tell us we were doing something wrong. But I honestly never imagined Kenny would feel that way. He's always been really easy going.

"Why wouldn't I feel that way, you two are supposed to be my friends and you don't trust me. And now you're butt buddies and I'd like to know before you get all perverted up on me" He crosses his arms glaring at us.

"You don't have anything to do with this. And for your information it just happened and we're together and nothing you say will stop that."

"Yeah but Stan you're not gay. We both know that, I mean maybe Kyle, but you? Come on."

I kind of take offense to that. I'm not a flaming queen or anything, I mean for god's sake I couldn't even get my crush to realize I was flirting and blushing like crazy every time he was around. And in my further defense, Kenny didn't even know about me until tonight.

"I'm gay for Kyle." Stan says and he crosses his arms and glares back.

And I know two of my best friends are fighting right now but my heart just burst. I can't believe he acknowledged us, and how he feels about me. I can't even feel mad right now.

"Okay fine, whatever you say." Kenny shrugs and he stops glaring and I think Stan won. I'm not sure. "I never would have thought it, but whatever."

We are all silent for far too long. Kenny raises up and immediately falls back and both Stan and I move forward in concern.

"My head hurts so bad right now." He presses with one hand at his temple.

"We should take you to a hospital." I say.

Okay I know what Kenny is going to say, I know this is going to be an argument but what he's just told Stan and I has made me a little insensitive to his bullshit. I'll shove him into Stan's truck if I have to.

"I am not going to no hospital." He says and he shifts on his side turning his back from me.

"Yeah you are. You have a concussion and you could have cracked your skull with all the bleeding you've had." I reply smartly. "Stan, can you get your car started without waking up your parents, or should we tell them what happened?"

Stan's eyes go wide but before he can reply Kenny sits up once more, a bit shakily I can see, and he almost yells at me.

"I am not going to the hospital, I'm going to sleep."

"Stan? The car?" I stand up ignoring him. I go to grab my coat like I need to get ready, but I never did take it off so I start trying to find something in Stan's room for Kenny to wear.

"If you go downstairs and tell your parents I'll leave." Kenny says glaring at us.

"Where would you even go?" Stan asks in all seriousness.

Yeah both of his friends are here, and I'm guessing there's a reason he's not at home right now.

"Somewhere, Anywhere."

"And freeze your dumb ass off." I say.

"Fuck you Kyle. Listen, you guys tell his parents I'm here, take me to a goddamned hospital and I'll sit down and tell Stan's dad that you two are fucking each other." He smirks at the last bit.

"You're an asshole." I growl. We aren't fucking each other, and whatever we were about to finally get around to doing tonight has been ruined by his sudden appearance.

"Yeah, so what." He says

"You wouldn't, I'll kick your ass if you try you little back stab-" I threaten but Stan's hands come out stretching between us to get us to stop.

"You can't tell my parents." He says softly.

"I can and I will, I'm not letting you two force me into-"

Stan interrupts him again with a head shake and I'm curious. He looks melancholy, he seems different and it hasn't gone away.

"No, I mean my parents aren't home, they left. So you can't tell them, unless you want to give them a call." He says exasperated.

Ohh. I didn't know they weren't around. A couple of things hit me, yeah we can definitely get Kenny to the hospital now. And I'm reminded again that if Kenny wasn't here right now, Stan and I would have the house to ourselves. I'd blush if I wasn't caught up in what's going on and feeling really pissed. It is hard to be turned on and pissed off at the same time. Well actually it isn't that hard, god what am I even thinking about, now's not the time Kyle.

"Kyle, it's the middle of the night and I think we're all tired. Before you get upset or interrupt me just chill for a second okay." I wasn't going to interrupt him but whatever, I let him continue. "I don't think Kenny hit his head hard enough for us to go to the hospital, the bleeding wasn't as bad as I thought." He stands next to me and gives my shoulder a squeeze.

"Can we just relax and stop fighting please, both of you. I'm going to start getting ready for bed." He shifts his focus back to Kenny who nods at him and I realize I've been nodding also, silently agreeing with Stan. I don't want to fight anymore, I didn't really want to fight to begin with. I am worried about Kenny, I am. But a night at the hospital isn't something I want either. It's almost four in the morning anyway."

"Kenny can you tell me how your feeling. Like are you dizzy or having trouble remembering things or anything?" I hear Stan ask softly. He's staring at him intently and Kenny holds his eyes as he shrugs.

"It's not very bad and I feel better now. I think I'm just tired." He says.

"Okay, if you feel worse later wake us up, it's not a problem to take you somewhere that can take care of you."

Stan walks over to his closet and pulls out two sets of pajamas. He hands one to Kenny, I recognize them from a few years back before Stan hit his last growth spurt. Kenny is way shorter and very skinny so that pair should fit him tonight. When Stan hands me a pair I raise an eyebrow at him. I am wearing normal clothes and I didn't bring my bag. But we've been sleeping in our boxers together. I sigh after realizing that is NOT happening tonight. Dammit Kenny. And we were going to have the whole house to ourselves.

I watch as Kenny gets up and walks over to Stan's closet, he kind of looks like he might fall over but he doesn't.

"Can you hand me a towel, I need a shower." He says and Stan steps forward and grabs one, cradling it in his arms. He walks out of the room with Kenny and I hear the shower turn on. I wonder why Stan went in there with him, I'm still wondering it a minute later. It's possible they are talking or fighting, God only knows. Kenny isn't hurt badly enough for Stan to have to play nurse. What is he doing, giving him a fucking sponge bath.

I'm happy he told him, even if Kenny got mad and Stan is being really weird. It's nice to know he didn't lie about the whole thing. I think we're making progress, at least I hope we are. I lie down on the bed not touching the stack of clothes by me. I unbutton my jacket as I go to take it off when Stan comes back in. He raises an eyebrow my way as he checks me out, unbuttoning my coat. I stop, embarrassed for a reason I can't clearly define.

A smile; and it's the first one I've seen since this morning. He throws his thumb behind him and he's talking but I missed some of it. "-king off the bandages even though I just put them on. But it looks like the blood clotted a bit so it shouldn't be too bad. I hope that retard remembers shampoo will sting, I wonder if he's going to put that cut under the water. Must sting like a son of a bitch."

"Yeah, it would." I say still watching him.

He stops talking because we are staring at one another and I see him shrug off whatever was troubling him as he walks over to me.

"Hey, sorry about this mess tonight." He says sitting next to me. I nod at him but smile despite the situation.

"No it's okay Stan. I shouldn't have just come over like this." I shuffle my hands not looking at me. What comes next is predictable but for a split second I'm worried and angry that it won't happen. That he'll say I should have stayed home.

His hand grips my chin pulling me up just in time to meet his lips as he kisses me. And I just lean in as much as possible, pulling my arms around his shoulders.

"I'm glad you're here Kyle." He says before continuing the first kiss he's given me today.

I'm suddenly hot and I wish I had removed that thick layer of clothing that's now between us.

"Stan, I'm hot." I say wiggling to get to my coat while still kissing him. Before the kiss turns heavy he pulls away wincing at the loss of contact. I let out a defeated sigh, damn.

"Let's get you ready for bed then." He says.

He sits cross legged and I'm digging my knees into his mattress still leaning close to him. He reaches over before I can make a move for the pile of clothes next to me. I kind of want to jump into pjs here and I'm not sure if he wants me to change in a different room or not. Kenny isn't even in the room, why should we worry about who's looking at what. But his hand is on the next button and he's leaning down concentrating on slipping it free from the hole. I hold my breath and watch him slowly remove my coat. He pulls it off my shoulders and I only shuffle a bit to release my arms because he's done the work for me.

He smiles again and blatantly checks me out in my olive thermal shirt. It's not thick by any means but it's also comfy clothes, I could sleep in it if I wanted, I've just been studying at my desk in it since getting home from school.

Stan comes forward without me registering it and he's kissing me again. It's sweet, definitely the sweet kind that makes me want to melt. It also makes me want to lock the door and pin him to the bed but I can't let myself go there right now. Not even in my mind.

He slips a hand under my shirt and I moan lightly, I love that feeling of warm hands on skin. I didn't realize I was so cold, even with my coat on. Suddenly the shirt is riding up, but the kiss isn't deepening and I don't have that frantic feeling I usually get when he's ripping my clothes off of me. This is methodical, he leans back and takes a long look at me. My shirt isn't even off, it's just scrunched up to my chin. He pulls at the back of it to get it up over my head.

I immediately blush, because I am half naked, and the light is on and he's staring at me. We aren't under the blankets, or tangled in the sheets and I know he can see ever blemish and freckle on my shoulders, chest and belly. I cross my arms but it's silly, because he has seen me before.

"You're so cute Kyle." He says. He leans back and reaches to the side of me which I did not see coming but his motives are soon revealed as he holds in his hands my clothes for the night. He unfolds the shirt and opens it up like he's going to dress me, but that's just silly. I raise an eyebrow his way and he leans over again with his bright blue eyes. The shirt disappears from my mind completely and I grab him by the neck to kiss him again.

He's the one to pull away yet again but before my frown fully forms he's pecked me on the nose and I hear a giggle at the way I scrunched up in disgust. That's something kids do. The shirt is over my head before I can open my eyes again and I scoot away from him to pull my arms through because I am old enough to dress myself, thank you very much. Even if he wants to help. I straighten the shirt and he's frowning.

"Hmm, well I can't believe I actually dressed you again after having you like that, it's a damn shame." I don't expect the smirk that follows but he makes me smile.

"Yeah well, I didn't force you to do anything. I was fine sleeping in boxers again."

"Yeah but not with Kenny in the room. That's just creepy Kyle." He leans back and unfolds the pants.

Wait a minute, with Kenny? Isn't he staying in Shelley's old bedroom. Oh yeah, the bedroom Sharon made into a work out room, at least half of it is before Stan's dad came in with his own silly project of putting up a dark room in the corner for editing film. He doesn't have time for it, but he spent a ton on the products, it was yet another fight they'd had. The whole room is a disaster area, with a tread mill a few feet away from developing solution. Parents.

"Why is Kenny sleeping in here? Where am I supposed to sleep?" I ask a little bit confused and a lot more irritated.

"Because he probably has a concussion and if he can't get to us in the night but needs to go to the hospital we need to be close to him." Stan states matter of factly.

I pinch the bridge of my nose in sudden irritation, trying very hard not to think of my therapist, because his constant direction with managing my feelings just makes me more frustrated. I use something I used before I ever had to see that prick, I count backwards in my head.

"So, you're telling me you two are sharing a bed then?" I ask.

Does that sound like jealousy? I do trust my boyfriend, and Kenny, well there's no way Stan would even think about going for Kenny. Haa, no that's not my problem.

"I thought we could all camp out in here, dude chill out. You're cute when your angry but not when your angry and tired and-" he leans forward emphasizing the next part. "Horny."

I pull back and stare at him but he looks pointedly at my crotch and I look down as well despite myself. Yeah so what, he has that effect on me. He looks so damn arrogant when he looks back at me after confirming it.

"Well excuse me for liking the way you look when you're undressing me, as if you're not." I stare at his crotch too but his pants are really baggy and he's leaning in a way that would hide it if it were there. I'm confident he is though.

"Okay, well I wasn't finished yet." He laughs and then pushes me flat on my back. I feel like he's about to have his way with me, except I know Kenny is getting out of the shower soon and Stan isn't in the mood.

He pulls off my pants and touches my feet, rubbing them for a moment. It feels good and I want a massage, that is on the list now of things I want tonight but won't get. He runs a hand up my leg and it tickles in an uncomfortable way because I know he's not going to touch me. Not where I want to be touched. His fingers dig into my thigh and I look down at him and shake my head, no. He pulls away and the Pajama pants are around my ankles and I lift up for him so he can pull them up to my waist. Before my boxers disappear under the fabric he cups my crotch and pats me.

I don't understand him but my pants are up and I wish they were down again. Him dressing me was counterproductive to my growing needs. Damn him tonight.

Fine, I'm dressed, and I let him do it. He's never done that before and it was nice to see the side of him I only see when it's the two of us alone. More than anything else that's what I came over here for tonight.

I pull him down even though he was about to sit up and move away, I know him. He would put space between us so when Kenny walks in he doesn't suspect that we were all over each other, the way we were. But I want my Stan more, and Kenny isn't here right now. He puts his arms into the mattress at the side of my head to support himself and I pull him down as close as possible to kiss him.

I haven't even gotten to enjoy it, savor it the way I need to so it lasts me through the whole night and most of tomorrow, I'm guessing now. But Kenny is at the door and he had the forethought to knock loudly. I hear something hit the wall and I think it's his head, it was a soft noise and he's leaning on the door. When Stan opens it he almost falls through but catches himself.

I don't think he was listening in, I think he was having a hard time staying up straight.

"You guys want me to go and sit in there for thirty minutes or something, cause I might need to puke." He says and there's a smile so he must be joking. Stan shakes his head and I just sigh to myself. Yeah, could you Kenny, or better yet go downstairs and sleep on the fucking couch with some head phones on.

All those feelings disappear, yeah I'm such an asshole. Because his eye is really black, he can't see out of it and his lip has started bleeding again, probably from the shower. He's got a wad of toilet paper on his mouth and he's put the bandages back into place for the most part. But he looks a little better, he's clean which is an improvement from before, I could see the dirt in his hair when he took of the hood. Where does that even come from, he reminds me of pig stye from Charlie Brown sometimes.

The pajama's Stan leant him look warm, they are the same plush material you use for bathrobes and even though they were an older pair they swallow Kenny's small figure, he's literally swimming in them.

"So where do you want me Stan?" he asks. Stan leads him over to the bed that I am still lying flat on. I didn't really raise up much from where Stan left me.

"There you go Kenny." Stan says and Kenny sits on the bed. He looks to Stan then at me then back to Stan again clearly confused.

"I'm sleeping in here?" he says. But Stan has pulled a pillow directly behind where he's sitting and he looks like he's going to start tucking Ken in.

"Yep." Stan says, he surprises me by not actually tucking him in but then he walks across the room and turns out the light. I hear him shuffle back over to his closet, I can see by the little dolphin nightlight he still has plugged into the wall from when he was nine and decided to save them from the Japanese. That light always makes me laugh, he can be such a hippie sometimes. Stan digs around the top shelf and I'm climbing out of bed, because I don't know where I'm sleeping tonight. Kenny still hasn't laid down, I havn't felt him move at all.

"Here you go Kenny." Stan says as he throws a blanket into the air again and again, letting the wind created by his motions open it up. It lands on top of Kenny, covering half of his face.

Kenny grabs it without a word and leans back into the bed, I expected an argument on his part but he curls up in a ball with his back to the two of us and that blanket tightly wrapped around him. I stare at him for a minute, he looks tense but I can't put my finger on why that would be. I'm distracted by Stan who crawls straight down the center created by the space between Ken and I.

"Come on let's get some sleep." He says and he shuffles under the covers.

Where? He didn't make me a bed, he didn't make us a bed on the floor either, and I'm not sure if he's really suggesting the three of us fit in this queen sized bed with him in-between. He's under the sheet and blanket turning towards me and I just stare at him in the dark.

He grabs my arm which is planted in the mattress and pulls me down, throwing off my balance and making me land next to him. I sigh, this is fucked up. Three grown guys in one bed together.

_It's not so different from when we were all _kids I argue back. I mean we spent loads of time sleeping together, whether it was the same bed or in a tent or on the floor at a slumber party. I was always crammed in next to kids.

But Stan and I are together, what if we accidentally, like half asleep during the night, start messing around or something. What if we cuddle up close or get tangled together in our sleep. Wouldn't that upset Kenny.

I relax a bit as one of his arms curls around my chest and I shift closer to him as he spoons me. I can hear him smell my hair and settle his head near the back of my head. His breath is on my neck and it's familiar and comfortable.

"Goodnight." He says, probably to both of us. I don't answer him except to lay my hand over his as I close my eyes for sleep.

"You two better not start going at it while I'm next to you." Kenny breaks the silence after a long time and it might have actually woken me up. He's still tense in a ball, I can see past Stan to see that much as I turn around at his sudden outburst. I wrap my arms around Stan but he pulls back a bit more than he would usually and settles further away from me than we were before.

"We won't, wake me up if you get sick again." Stan says softly.

I have nothing to say, things are awkward again.

"I'll get sick all over you if you try to cuddle me like you do Kyle during the night Stanley." Kenny says but there is no laugh this time, even though it's supposed to be a joke.

"Okay Kenny. Get some sleep now." Stan says. His voice is calm and soothing, like he's calming a frightened animal. I hope he doesn't think us being together, or being in the bed together should warrant that.

But then I remember how bad Kenny looks right now, and there's a lot more going on. There's something between them, I know that Stan knows what happened. He didn't say, neither of them have but this is not the first time Kenny has been here in the middle of the night. And I realize this isn't the first time he's been beaten up either. They must be keeping it a secret for some reason, because I would have thought that Stan would tell me that our best friend sometimes wanders into his room.

I'm not stupid, I can assume all of this by both of their reactions. What if this thing, with Kenny just popping in all beat up, happened one of those times I was in bed with Stan. Kenny doesn't even have a cell phone so I know he can't check to make sure it's alright to come over like I do. He could have totally caught us that way. Kenny knows things about me, things other people don't even know, but I realize I don't really know much about him. I think if given the choice he' confide in Stan, I know he does because he's here right now. Stan is safe for him, I can see that much. Wow, I feel a bit hurt by that thought.

All those bruises must come have from something bad. I realize I've never been bruised or cut up that way. At first I just shook it off as something unfortunate Kenny was going through, like a fucking cold or something. But for the first time tonight I'm trying to come up with reasons he would be here, in the middle of the night, covered in bruises. I almost hope it was some random fight, but I get the sickening feeling that it wasn't.

I'm too tired; I'm not a bad friend I swear. Because I am worried, I have been worried. But all of that kind of flows out of my reach, everything is fuzzy and I am so goddamned tired I can hardly stand it. So I don't, I don't stay awake a second longer. I think the conversation between them was over but sleep took priority over that much. I just know there is a warm body next to me and everything else just kind of melts away.

_Cont. Autors note: So I promised some slash, and I half delivered, I like to build up people's hopes and then just leave them disappointed. And I had absolutely no ulterior motives for forcing three boys into one bed together, it just seem like a funny idea…..right._


	6. Chapter 6

_Author's note: I think a lot of people are going to hate me for this. And I'm not going to apologies to you, because this is the way things ended up happening. It's called fan __fiction__ for a reason. I have my own reasons for having a depressed Kenny, mostly because I think eventually this is a logical turn in his life but a brief one. I won't spoil the details but I will try extra hard to put in a chapter that doesn't have him so uncharacteristically sad. I think we all appreciate his goofiness, but I know probably more than anyone that goofy people can be sadder more often than normal people._

_I'd also like to point out here that I've taken a detour from the show, and I've attached a more realistic reasoning to the whole dying thing. Mostly because I didn't want to write something where Kenny gets to keep his kick ass super power of dying and coming back. (I am going to write a story that is only about that in the future so don't be too disappointed in me) I took some artistic license with forcing them into a different kind of world, so yeah. Kids play games, and that's how I handled the impossible things that happen from the show, hopefully making this more relatable. I don't doubt that this is frustrating for some of you, but for the sake of my story it's happening. Honestly I'm frustrated with it too right now. Thanks for reading, I do appreciate the crap out of any of you who take the time to make it through chapter 6. –Cloren_

_Edit: I had a brain dead moment because it was the middle of the morning when my stupid insomnia drove me to post these last two chapters. I reversed them, if you read them out of order I do apologize. I am a silly human._

Chapter 6

Kenny

I can't sleep right now, my head hurts like a son of a bitch. It's throbbing more than my swollen eye and every movement I make feel like a thousand needles are pricking me. I'm irritated too. I should have expected as much, Kyle and Stan being so close. I should have expected this little revelation they've given me, it seems obvious now that they would eventually fall for each other. Maybe most best friends aren't like that, actually being friends with someone usually makes them untouchable, like your siblings are. But those guys are just different somehow.

I can feel the rage subsiding but there's something aching in my chest and I'm trying really hard to ignore it. I have enough physical pain right now without being handed this shit. I push it down, the way I always do. I take a deep breath and imagine all my bitterness burying itself into me until I can't really feel it anymore. Being distracted would help more but first I need to concentrate on this, or else it will just pop up at the most inconvenient time.

I'm not usually like this, hell I'm never like this. My life might suck but I'm usually the one chilling out, not really paying attention to people and their petty relationship problems. When I'm around my friends if I'm not joking than I'm dancing or screaming out bad karaoke versions of songs they can recognize just to annoy them. Maybe I'm not a class clown but I'm not this negative Nancy either. My head just hurts, it's probably the concussion I got.

I've always been jealous of Kyle and Stan. I also resigned myself years ago that it would always be that way. Stan and Kyle are the best friends. And I'm lucky to be the third wheel, to have good friends like them still in my life. I know this but, fuck it's too hard to ignore. And I don't even want to replace one for the other or anything. I just want someone in my life like that.

But if I'm not around, well I'm sure it wouldn't even matter to them if I was dead. They'd just keep doing what they always do. For a while I thought we could split our group up into pairs, Kyle and Stan and Kenny and Cartman. I mean Cartman might have said he hated me a thousand times but he called me his best friend too. I just realized after a while that he only wanted things from me, or wanted to watch me do things for his entertainment and he wasn't my friend at all.

Lying to me though, it's not something I can handle. I lost it there and I don't know what to say or do about it. They have never ever lied to me. Keeping something so important secret. From me? They never put effort into doing it before, and I know neither of them gives a flying fuck as to what I think. I can't change their minds, and they will do what they want to do, even if I don't want them to. So they should have known it wouldn't be a big deal to tell me.

Stan makes a lot of sense, I can see how uneasy he is, it's not just his bad mood tonight either. He's not the kind of guy to act with confidence. He doesn't have it in him to just tell the world how it is and flip them off not caring what anybody says. He even knows they're all idiots and he still cares too goddamn much, it changes who he wants to be and has always been such a struggle for him. I can see why he wants to keep up his reputation as the straight jock guy with absolutely no inclinations towards the same sex.

Well actually before this I kind of thought Stan might be the kind of guy who wants to watch other guys jerk off in the locker room together. Not calling it gay, when it's kind of gay you know. Maybe getting a hand job from a bro but closing his eyes and pretending its some chick.

I think I might watch too much porn, or read too much online about this stuff. Because I'm pretty sure jocks don't do that in real life. But if they did, well I wouldn't have put it past Stan to experiment that way.

So my friends are gay, so what. Does this even matter to me? I have no clue why I got so upset. They're laying here next to me and I know we're not going to do anything perverted or nothing. I shouldn't be uptight about it.

But I am, and I can't let it go. Kyle's one thing. I love Kyle, I do, but I have to keep a bit of distance from him. He gets judgmental and preachy and I'm glad he's passionate and all but I don't need him harping on me. The anger problems keep getting worse and I kind of don't want to end up like Cartman at this point.

But Stan…

Stan knows about me, we get each other. He's the first person I really trusted.

He saved my fucking life.

It's stupid in retrospect, but I guess everyone goes through it at one point in their life or another. I couldn't help it really, I never had the kind of home life that could support me. And when things seemed to spiral out of my control I think I just gave up.

I remember the first time I thought about dying. I was lying in my bed, cold and so incredibly hungry I think my stomach might have started knawing on my other organs. I started wondering if I was going to starve to death. We used to joke about dying all the time, bang you're dead Kenny. It was how we decided who was out in the game. But suddenly I was thinking about dying for real. And it is going to happen, not just to me but to all of us. I couldn't sleep and I started breathing funny. I couldn't catch a breath and everything was hazy, I think it was a panic attack. I remember thinking that I'd do anything to stop that one truth. It suddenly became so real to me and I remember the weight pressing on my chest that I couldn't get out from, knowing I'd never escape. After that things got so much worse.

The attacks happened almost every night, and I couldn't sleep. I couldn't get through a day without thinking about it. I think I knew how depressed I was becoming, I didn't talk to my friends at all and they just kind of ignored me. I thought maybe if I distanced myself they'd come crying to me asking me to come back, but things don't work like that. No one even noticed, which made it worse. Because no one cared, I know this I do. My parents have never given a shit about me, the teachers I've had turned the other way. And my friends wanted nothing to do with me unless I was there to play their stupid games and act like a normal kid. But I'm not a normal kid, I've had to deal with shit their innocent little heads can't dream of.

So you can guess that it wasn't so hard to make the next leap. Failing grades, no friends, a bad home life. I was like a recipe for suicide and I thought it was better for it to happen sooner than later.

Sitting at the end of the cafeteria alone for the most part, save the two kids eating at the table attached to this one I was crossing my arms and staring at my so called friends. They were chatting happily, about god knows what, probably a stupid story one of them made up, and I had already wolfed down the school lunch I'm provided with from the school program. Sometimes it's the only meal of the day that I get, which is nice but I'm always starved by the time I get it, so ten minutes into lunch it was already gone.

I hated those ass holes, they couldn't ever understand what it was like to be me. I could tell that Stan was down again, I heard he totally puked in this one girl's mouth, but he'd get over it. The school was talking shit about it but most of the talk had died down. Kyle seemed to be doing a good job at cheering him up anyway. And really, even puking in someone's mouth couldn't be the end of Marsh's whole jock world. The bitches were talking about how he only puked cause she was ugly. Some people said he told them he just had the flu and it was a bad time. Either way girls will be standing in line for him tripping over themselves in no time.

Stan and Kyle are laughing, ignoring the other guys at the table. If I was gone, neither of them would miss me. And maybe they'd deserve it, ignoring me the way they do. Maybe all the people here would deserve feeling sad about me being gone. Maybe they'd walk around saying "He was too young, and we should have done something to help him." Maybe those two bastards eating tacos and throwing cheese at each other would cry and beg for me to come back.

The next thought I had hit me like freight train, my whole chest constricted.

What if they said "he was better off dead anyway." What if everyone was happy I was gone, another poor kid taken away so he didn't have to follow in the footsteps of his loser father. What if Stan and Kyle prayed that I was safe in heaven, in a better place than I could have ever gotten to in life, and what if that was it. I felt immediately ashamed at being so spiteful to them, all of them. But more than that, the thought of no one really caring solidified what I wanted to do.

"What's with you, are you crying Kenny?" I heard from above me. That stupid mocking voice, that fat fucker. My head whipped up and I glared as hard as I could so he could tell I hadn't been crying. I don't cry.

He was wearing a pirate hat which clashed with his stupid sweater vest look. I rose my brow at him slightly confused by his sudden appearance at my table.

"What do you want Cartman?" I asked crossing my arms.

"You going to come over after school today? We're playing pirates, don't worry I have a bandana you can wear since I know you're too poor to buy a costume."

My fists clenched but I didn't answer him right away.

"We're going to have buried treasure, I have $40 already in the chest and everyone who's coming is bringing five bucks to add to it. Mom bought me a play set ship and I have a pool with an island for the treasure and everything. You coming then?"

He seemed confident that the explanation given would be enough to convince me, it was a bribe anyway. But I don't have five dollars and he knows that. I keep staring at him but he only shakes his head.

"Don't worry, Stan and Kyle are covering for you, they told me to invite you over. So just come by my house after school, oh silent one." And he stood up to leave. He turned to me and an honest look of confusion came over his face. "Why aren't you sitting with us anyway?" he asked

"Fine, whatever Cartman. See you." I mumbled. He cocked his eyebrow not getting an answer to his question out of me. He heard what I said and whatever concern he had over my eating placement was clearly gone as he walked away with a smirk on his fat face.

There are very few people that I don't understand, and Eric Cartman is one of them. I don't understand why he insists on hanging out with people he supposedly hates. I don't understand his entertainment tastes, the way he manipulates and tricks people into doing things before totally humiliating them. I don't understand most bullies anyway, but I've never met someone so full of shit. One smack and he's as pathetic as everyone knows him to be, he's so sad it's not even funny. Cause he's a hated fat piece of lard and somehow he manages to be the most arrogant guy I know. In Cartman's world his shit smells like fucking roses, and everyone should pay to get a whiff.

I get to his house and people are getting dressed up, which is strange cause it's not someone's birthday and it's not Halloween. Those last few pirates' movies must have made some impact on everybody. Even for middle schoolers to get dressed up for no reason the movies must be cool. I haven't seen them yet but I understand the hype. Plus I've always loved pirates. I'm smiling, the ship is pretty sweet there's a slide and rope ladders and it's pretty tall, which is neat. Everyone acts like I've been there every day at their table, in their classes, walking to school together. At first I'm happy things seem like normal, but I realize quickly that no one's noticed I haven't actually been doing things with them for the last few months.

Cartman hands me a red bandana with skulls on it and an eye patch. At first he tries to get me to wear two but I know he's just trying to get an advantage and trick me into being blind. It works on Butters a few minutes later though which gets me laughing hard enough that I have to hold my stomach. Poor Butters.

Stan hands me a hook to hold with my hand and it swallows it up to the wrist. I like it.

We start the game, it's kind of difficult with so many boys on a playground ship set, even if it's bigger than any I've seen. We bury the treasure across the pool and over a wall. Cartman says we'll have to scale it to get to the treasure, but I know he can't make it over with his fat ass, even if it is less than 15 ft tall. What an idiot.

I have work today at a shitty grocery store that employs fourteen year olds to get carts at minimum wage. I tell some of them this but for a while we get caught up in mock sword fights with plastic and wooden play swords. They're making up some epic story and I try to follow it, but I'm strategizing for the main event. At some point we'll get a chance at that treasure, and by my head count there should be 75$ in a chest over the wall. I'm so getting that.

We break out into the game, there might be a few real fights going. Clyde falls into the pool and they start asking whether he drowned or has a chance to get to the island. He starts swimming for it, and we all realize it's time to get at that treasure. I swing on a rope right after him and swim like crazy. I run up behind him and stab him in the back with my wooden sword.

"Clyde, you're dead." Cartman yells out. And Clyde stops to glare at me before jumping down onto the side lines.

I turn around to the crew still aboard the play ship and I give a victory wave before turning to the wall.

"You can't climb that wall yet Kenny, we have to travel to the island and go through the Cave of Esta Mona." Cartman yells and I turn back to them.

"No, I made it over here, you guys are welcome to race me. But I'll be up this wall before you can jump in the pool." I reply smartly.

Cartman screams throwing a tantrum and then he throws his sword. It lands in the pool and I laugh at him.

"Kenny you're dead. Go join Clyde." He calls out and I start up the wall.

"Kenny I killed you, now get off that wall nyah." He says again and I turn to all of them.

"I'm not dead that hit the fucking water."

"Kenny, don't you have to go to work soon?" Butters asks me randomly. And he's right, actually I'm going to be late. But I turn back to the wall.

"I'm getting my treasure."

"No, you didn't even pay in cause you're too poor. Now go die over there with Clyde you fucking ass hole." Cartman screams. I instantly flush, I didn't think he was going to reveal that to all of my friends. They probably knew already but I'm still embarrassed.

"I've been playing this whole time, I win, I'm getting my treasure fat ass."

"No, I don't think it's fair Kenny." I hear Kyle say. And I'm surprised at him, agreeing with Cartman of all people.

"Plus I killed you, so stop cheating." Cartman screams

"You didn't even hit me." I say.

They've all got to be kidding me. This is ridiculous. I need to leave and I don't feel like arguing with them.

"I chopped off your head with my sword." He tries

"No, your sword fell into the ocean." I roll my eyes at him.

"No maybe he fell over board and hit his head then drowned." Clyde says, and I know he just wants in the game again.

"Maybe you drowned too, since apparently swimming in the pool means drowning in this stupid game." I argue back.

"Maybe Kenny climbs halfway up the wall than falls from it and hits his head." Craig joins in

"That wouldn't kill me." I say shaking my head at them.

"If you hit your head, your skull cracks and you bleed out within minutes with irreparable brain damage." Craig says and he flips me off. Craig knows the word irreparable? I shrug and climb the wall.

"You can't just kill me off from there. Come down here and fight me fair and square." I say. I'm on my way up the wall and then something hits me. I drop down, stunned by the rock that flew at me.

"I killed him, I killed him. You're dead Kenny." I hear and I see Tweek jumping up and down.

"You hit me in the arm. I won't use it to climb but I'm not dead."

"But you hit Clyde in the back and it killed him." He says.

"If I put a real sword in Clyde's back it would have killed him. A rock to my arm won't kill me."

"Dude it would be so funny if this thing fell apart and the mast fell on Kenny crushing him." Kyle says and I see Stan and him are staring at the mast with amused smiles.

They're going to start playing the "You Killed Kenny" game. Great, just great.

I always die in games, whether I want to or not. They totally cheat. And then after a while they start coming up with the best ways you could die, and it's always directed to me. I feel like punching both of them. Instead I turn around and start climbing the wall, hiding the arm Tweek hit by my side so they can't accuse me of using it. I listen to them now, probably ready to quit arguing and end this stupid game for another one.

"No no, Kenny climbs up the mast and falls into those ropes. Then he tries to cut himself down and cuts the wrong rope until he ends up hanging himself from the mast." Stan says.

"Shit dude, that's too morbid, and Disney's totally done it before." Kyle says.

"No Kenny comes up here and I hit him with my sword and his head rolls off. But the ship is moving so his head just rolls around." Cartman pipes up and everyone laughs. Someone's suggests that my now decapitated head falls over board and gets swallowed by a shark. Someone else says a seagull should come and carry it away. I don't grace them with a glare because I'm concentrated on the wall climbing it one handed.

I hear a cheer and then two familiar voices pipe up "You killed Kenny."

"You bastards."

And I feel sick with the familiarity of it all. I'm up on the wall; playing super hero for so long really paid off. Back when I was a kid mom and dad tried running a meth lab and they were high out of their minds all the time. I'd leave at night and "Protect" the city to get away from them.

I really just wanted to annoy Cartman though. I could scale walls that he couldn't, and it was so fun. I jump down from there, feeling my legs absorb the shock. I pick up the treasure chest, it's plastic and fairly small compared to the rest of the props. Cartman must have not wanted to haul around something that would actually give him a workout.

I walk around the fence, taking off my eye patch and my handkerchief. I throw them on the ground and the boys stop their conversation to look my way.

"Put that back Kenny." Cartman screams stomping his foot.

"I won it fair and square. You said the kid who makes it to the treasure gets to keep it."

"But you didn't scale the wall or cross the ocean, or climb the ship to get back." Butters says nervously.

"Not in the rules." I say and I drop the hook I'd been holding on to.

"You can't win, you're not even a pirate." Cartman yells and I'm really confused.

"You invited me here to play with you, I was a pirate up until I won my money." I say and his face glows red.

"Poor kids can't be pirates." He states.

"No wait Cartman, Kenny makes a great pirate. Considering they were all poor, unable to get property, so they went around the ocean stealing goods to get rich. Kenny probably would have been the first of us to be pirate if we lived back then." Kyle states smartly.

I smirk, unsure whether he's on my side again or not. It would have been so kick ass to have been born a pirate.

"I got to go guys." I turn around but hear a ton of footsteps running my way. Down the giant piece of playground equipment and out to the yard.

"No you don't, you're dead. Leave the treasure and we can re bury it." Token says and he's grabbing my arm.

"I didn't actually die you guys." I say, finding myself in the same old ludacris argument yet again.

"Yeah you did dude, come on." Stan says and my eyes go wide.

"You don't want the money bad enough to cheat. Kenny it's unfair." Kyle says and I don't know what to do.

"When did I die?" I ask and they all stare at me like I missed something.

"When you fell into quicksand outside the treasure chest." Cartman says and I walk over and hit him. I punch his chest and push him to the ground.

"You can't just make up shit you fat fucking piece of lard." I kick at him, so frustrated with everyone.

"Dude, calm down. We decided that would be the most ironic death, get over it. You die, we're reburying the treasure." Kyle says and he reaches for the chest.

"Why? Why do you guys get to decide on a ship that I suddenly die? That's so unfair."

"No, not paying in to play for the money and then stealing it and acting like a little bitch over it isn't fair." Kyle replies.

I throw the chest at him, it misses his face and lands in the pool. I threw it hard enough to bruise and I watch as kids scramble to get it before their precious dollars get soaked. His eyes widen at me before narrowing in the meanest glare he's ever sent my way. I return it instantly.

"You and Stan offer to cover for me because you know I can't pay in and then you bastards cheat me out of my win." I scream

"I know your poor Kenny but you're being a big baby. You died in quicksand." Kyle argues back.

"There wasn't quick sand you made that up."

"But you died in the game, it's not a big deal."

Losing 75$ isn't a big deal? It may not be for them, they have their parents to buy shit for them. I was going to use that money to get my little sister some Ensure, because she's been sick and we have no food and the doctor suggested it. I was going to splurge on a loaf of bread and some pb and j cause that's a luxury in my house. I was also going to buy a few porno mags with it, but that doesn't seem noble enough to bring up right now.

"Fine whatever. I'm dead." I say and everyone is still staring at me.

"I knew we shouldn't have invited him, he's being such an ass hole." I hear Token whisper to Craig.

"Why did you then? Why invite me at all?" I stare at them confused.

"You're our friend Kenny." Stan says and I glare at him.

"No, I'm the guy you can make fun of and kill off in fun ways. I get eaten by a shark and then I get pooped out in the ocean and fucking krill eat me and they get swallowed by a whale and then I get farted on by Pinocchio in the whales stomach and it's so fucking funny for some dumb ass reason right."

"No, we wanted to have fun with you. Stop being such a drama queen." Kyle interrupts.

"No, its fine. Really keep your money, I'm sure your Jew face needs it more than me." He gasps and I realize I've made the one insult I always swore I wouldn't, but I'm so mad I can't even bring myself to apologize. I just keep going.

"No you know what, Kenny dies okay. I'm dead. Here's a fun one, I cross the tracks going home and my shoelace gets caught in the tracks and I pull and pull on them not thinking of just taking off my stupid shoe and the train hits me." I mime it and one person laughs but everyone else is staring at me. I'm starting to rant and I can't stop.

"No, Kenny goes home and he pulls out his dad's gun and it goes off and blows his fucking head off."

Silence. And I continue.

"Kenny sits down to eat his food, which is only ketchup and mustard packets on dumpster bread and he gets food poisoning and pukes up his guts then bleeds to death."

"Dude calm down." Stan says and I see he's coming closer to me. I know he's reaching out for me but I'm shaking in rage and I think I'm screaming at them.

"No, let's keep going. Kenny goes home and his dad gets so drunk that he mistakes him for his mom and beats him to death with a beer bottle." I push Stan away as he makes a grab for my arms which are flailing out animatedly. I can see them shaking as I fling my hands around.

"Kenny goes home and the meth lab next to his house catches fire and blows up, his face lights on fire on one side and he ends up rescued by the EMTs only to die in the hospital cause half his body burns away. Like two face in Batman right." I laugh but it doesn't seem real to me. And no one joins in.

I look around and everyone is staring at me. Some of them look bored and I realize I'm being a douche bag, they could probably nominate me for biggest douche in the universe at this point.

I stop screaming, I look around and Cartmans dug out the treasure chest, the front of his costume is wet and he's counting the money not even caring that I'm still here.

And I run off, someone says something to me and I make it to the end of the yard not hearing anything but the sound of my heart beating hard in my chest. But I have to have the last word, whether they're listening or not.

"Kenny's parents can't pay their power bill and the heat gets turned off tonight, he has no money for food and he starves and freezes to death in his bedroom." I say softly. I turn on my heel and go to work thinking that is probably the one that will do me in. It could actually happen, I wonder if any of them know that.

When I first get to work I'm huffing and shaking and I squeeze my arms trying to get them to still. I slump against the wall and hug myself tightly willing my head to stop. I let go of my hate and finally a numbness sets in. I start my job like a zombie, not even listening to my boss telling me what to do next. I'm not friends with those guys, I'm not. We were never friends. I feel like my last reason for staying has been severed. It doesn't matter, I've died a thousand times for them already. I'm jumping off the roof of our school tomorrow, and I hope it makes them all laugh.


	7. Chapter 7

_Author's Note: This one was written when I posted the others but it had problems. And then I had school stuff, which I'm kind of ignoring right now to get it up. So I changed things, which admittedly I was sort of attached to, but I'm happier with the way this is now. I apologize for not having my shit together, but the last few chapters I've written went a different direction so I'm making sure the previous ones are matching up accordingly. _

Chapter 7

Stan

I'm awake. Awake awake. That feeling of grogginess I always have isn't there at all. One minute I'm dreaming, and I know I slept deeper than I usually do, and then the next moment my eyes are open. No transition from blurry vision and turning over to try to catch that phantom sleep but losing it this time. I'm in my room and I know I didn't get enough sleep but it's time to get up anyway. It's past time to get up, I look past a head of red hair and see that it's eleven am. I'm glad mom wasn't here to wake me up at 8:30 like usual. It's the weekend for a reason. Also having boys in my bed the way I do right now would give her a heart attack.

I'm lying flat on my back, I rarely sleep that way but it's comfortable because there is something on top of me. I am looking over at Kyle but his back is too me, his head barely resting on my shoulder and his body angling away from me. He gets hot in the night and has to scoot away, I know cause he complains that I'm an oven. I smile, I like waking up next to him.

I know what's on top of me but I stare down a bit confused anyway. Kenny has shifted in his sleep, his blanket wrapped around him so we aren't that close really. He's on top of me, almost all of him. His face is on my chest and his leg is over mine, only his left side is hanging off. I watch him for a while, because he definitely wouldn't want to wake up to this. I have to think this one through.

Kenny likes body heat, I remember even as kids he would get snuggly. I know that's why he enjoys sleeping around as much as he does. After his declaration last night I want to laugh really hard right now, he might wake up and puke on me like he promised. But I had no part in this at all.

Oh wait, I take that back. The arm I don't have slung under Kyle's shoulders to pull him close is wrapped around Kenny. That's embarrassing. But I am sure I did not have anything to do with him being on top of me. That kind of movement is not something I can pull of in my sleep. My back is suggesting that I've been sleeping on it all night too; I think I'm numb now.

I woke up in the middle of the night hearing him, he was in pain. I know he was out of it, but he was whimpering next to me. I didn't even know he was still asleep at first, it was so loud. I've never seen him cry, after everything he's been through or said to me. But that sound was heartbreaking. His face is swollen even worse than yesterday, and I wonder if he rolled onto a bruise or that nasty gash on his head during the night. Even with the bandages any contact would hurt. I asked if he was okay but realized he was asleep. I checked the bandages hoping he wasn't bleeding more than I thought initially. He seemed fine, despite the pained way he was sleeping. When he whimpered again I rubbed his back and watched him relax and fall back into a deep peaceful sleep. I had trouble sleeping after that though, knowing he was hurting so bad. I kept thinking I should wake him up and give him a few pain killers but I didn't.

I'm kind of surprised he's pressing his face into my chest, but I guess laying on your side, not bothering the gash on the back of your head is hard, and he looks comfortable enough.

I look over at Kyle amused. He will not be happy if he wakes up to Kenny on top of me. I don't need them fighting first thing in the morning, especially over something as stupid as how we slept.

In retrospect I should have made different sleeping arrangements. But it didn't seem like a problem at the time, I still don't think it was. I actually don't mind sleeping with other people, I'd rather sleep with just Kyle but it's not a big deal to me.

When I say sleeping with other people I mean to sleep, not sex. In my head I kind of sound like a slut, and I'm not. Plus, there's no way in hell, not with Kenny McCormick. Why am I thinking about this.

Because I'm preparing for what Kyle would accuse me of if he wakes up as I'm attempting to untangle myself from them both. Anyone else would probably be excited, this is technically a pimping situation. I've got my gorgeous boyfriend and the handsome bad boy curled up on top of me in my bed, after staying up all night. One day I may have to tell this story in that way to impress someone.

Looking at Kyle I remember just how loud his screaming at me can get and I rethink that idea. No never going to make it seem like we had a hot threesome. I'm such a pig, even when I'm with other guys instead of girls, wow. I pull away from Kyle who is settled away from me on his side. I'll try to spoon him as soon as I get Kenny off of me, if he stays asleep.

I pry Kenny off with one arm while lifting him with the other to get him off of me without moving him too much. It doesn't work out so well, my pulling leads him to clench my shirt and bury deeper tightening his body over me. I rethink it and decide to try to roll with him, so I can just back away once he's on his side again. During the roll though he shifts and moves and the grip he has on me is too strong. Suddenly I'm mostly on top of him and he's pulling me down by digging his fingers into my shirt.

I pull away from that move, not going to happen.

But his arms won't let go and man is the blond giving me some trouble.

When I see him moving as if he's waking up I stay as still as possible. Now that I'm on top I think the whole getting sick all over me is more likely prospect. I can hardly explain this if he wakes up now. He settles but still has a good hold on me and all I really need to do is pull his hands away so I can lie back down.

I pull his arm from behind my neck and settle it down on the bed. I reach with my other hand to get his fingers out of my shirt but as I go to set his hand down he pushes me. And he doesn't stop.

Things are going badly now that he's moving around so much and I hope he wakes up soon because that might stop him from waking up Kyle. I can just back away and he'll stop. I get away only by a couple inches and then arms are wrapping around my back again, and his hands might be small but they have one hell of a death grip. I can almost get out of this but the little bastard gets me with his legs and instead of being further away now I'm almost pressed down to him.

This is more awkward than it started our being, though the movement stopped and my paranoia of Kyle is growing. I'm going to have to slither out of reach and back into my spot. This would be funny if wasn't so frustrating.

Actually screw it, I've been nice this whole time trying to pry this kid off of me. I just pull away, as hard as possible and the result is Kenny jumping out of his sleep. I miscalculated just how far I could get from him, or his jump was pretty spectacular. Because he head butts me and I back away holding my face which hurts like a bitch.

He mirrors my reaction grabbing his forehead then sits up accusingly. He's glaring at me but he's also very confused and I have to laugh despite the pain.

"What the shit Marsh?" he says at a normal volume.

"Shh." My head darted over to Kyle but he's still sleeping soundly.

"No, what the hell-" I reach to cover his mouth because he's being too loud and he mumbles something over my hand.

"Seriously dude, be quiet. I can explain." I probably interrupted with my own whisper. I couldn't really understand what he was saying. He sighs at me and bites at my hand and I remove it, pretty sure he's not going to yap anymore.

"I was trying to get you to move because you were-" I pause not sure of what to say. I might mention that he was on top of me, but somehow I bypassed that. Shit. "This is all your fault actually." I say.

"My fault? You're the one hovering over me when I wake up like some moron and this is my fault?" his eyebrow rises skeptically.

"Well you were all over me so I was trying to get you off without waking you up."

I flip over back on the mattress and lay down on my back staring at the ceiling. We are in the same position now as he settles and relaxes again as if he might go back to sleep, forgetting our conversation..

Kyle is still asleep, he shifts towards me, his sleeping body must realize I'm nowhere near him. I pull an arm around him and his head is back on me again. He's facing me now but I have a feeling he's not waking up anytime soon by the way he settles in.

I get the uncomfortable feeling that I'm being watched and I look over at Kenny who is staring at both of us. There is something unsettling about his wide eyes because of the swelling.

"You going to wake up or get some more sleep dude?" I ask almost mouthing the sentence entirely due to Kyle's closeness.

He shakes his head and I don't know which one that's for.

"I-I." he starts then shakes his head but starts off with the same word he was using.

"I moved during the night, is that what you're saying?"

"Yeah man, you kind of rolled on top of me, I slept through it." I say. It's the truth and he nods at me.

"I'm sorry. It just happens sometimes." He says. And I nod back not arguing with his usual sleeping habits, I wouldn't know what he sometimes ends up doing in bed.

But it's no biggie.

"I remember it too, I think I thought you were someone else though. No luck, you don't have as big of tits as her Stan." He says and I watch the smile ripple across his face. It doesn't meet his eyes but I think that's because they're swollen. I should get him more ice and some pain killers.

"That's okay."

"Is it? He wouldn't get pissed off or anything?" he asks doubtfully.

"Oh he definitely would, but it happens. Our little secret okay? I'd hate to see him beat the living crap out of you."

I said the wrong thing, his eyes fall and I hear his breathing hitch. Kyle wouldn't be that violent, and Kenny dodges that sort of thing at home all the time. I have a feeling he didn't dodge so well last night. He recovers quickly and rolls on his side, but he backs away to the edge of the bed giving us another bodies worth of room.

"Okay I think I need to get up and get you some meds and us some breakfast." I say. I untangle myself out of Kyle's grip and when Kenny rolls away from us I bend down and kiss my boyfriend forehead softly. I still don't want to wake him up, but I'm going to miss the mornings we sometimes get waking up next to each other. I'll miss the kisses I think.

I have tea and some water on the table, the cups have medicine next to them and an ice pack wrapped in a towel. I was about to head upstairs to give them to Ken but I hear him moving around. He comes down my stairs slowly and I immediately notice that his legs jacked up, he's limping and holding onto that handrail like he expects to rollie-pollie his way into our kitchen.

He sniffs the air like a dog would and his smile makes me feel better about breaking out our waffle iron. At first I wanted to say screw it, those guys can eat cereal. But I never have both of my best friends over and after last night we could all use a big breakfast. I've got the eggs going and I only half watch as Kenny takes four pills, when I only laid out two. He downs the water in three large gulps and leans back in his chair with the ice press for his eye.

"Food." He says longingly and I flip the pan of scrambled eggs around to get it to cook evenly.

I finish putting the bacon and sausage on the three plates I laid out and I turn the stove down on low for the eggs. The waffles are stacked high in a pile.

I could serve Kenny a plate right now but I want to go get Kyle up and I can leave him waiting for a sec.

"Almost done, just hang here for a second. I need to go get Kyle up."

"Yeah, and press him back down into that mattress to have your wicked way with him." Kenny says frowning. "I'll see you in thirty minutes."

"If it's more than five get up and get your own damn food. But you really spend a lot of time thinking about our nonexistent sex lives." I chide back.

He frowns at what I've said, and I instantly regret it. Too much information and I should act like it was a joke. I've missed my chance. He crosses his arms at me.

"Three months and you're not even fucking? You serious Stan?" he asks.

I go up the stairs and ignore him shaking my head. Mostly at myself, I'm an idiot. He looked disappointed in me, not disgusted like last night.

I'm just happy we're still on speaking terms. I did not think Ken was such a homophobe. I haven't been thinking about the damage that's going to do to our friendship. Fucking weird too. I assumed he'd be supportive, if not encouraging. Oh well, I'll figure something out.

Kyle was searching for me in his sleep, I can tell because he's almost in my spot from last night and both arms are away from his body like he was trying to find a body to wrap them around. Probably a good thing Kenny left when he did, I have feeling Kyle was migrating for body heat. So cute.

I'm not sure the best way to wake him up, I have some creative ideas that will take more than the time Kenny allotted me. Five minutes now seems so short. I sit down and turn toward him, hovering over his sleeping form. I give him a kiss just as I wrap myself around him and he kisses me back.

Yeah he's still asleep, Kyle sleeps like the dead too. He's a good kisser in his sleep though, I'll admit that.

"Wake up sleepy head I've got breakfast for you." I kiss his nose and his face scrunches up again like it did last night.

"No." he says and tries to force himself back asleep. But he's just grumpy and groggy.

"I made waffles." I say and I kiss him again, this time forcing his mouth open enough to let me French him. That seems to help wake him up, but this is going to be a lost cause if I can't pull myself away. I do, only because I think I might not remember to again.

"Mmmmhmmm, no. Stay with me." He says and he pulls at me.

Difficult bastard.

"Come on Kyle, I made yummy food. Get up and let's eat." I say sternly.

"Noooo." He whines.

"Fine stay here all day, I'll let Kenny eat it all." I pull away and up out of his reach but he is content to curl up and fall back asleep. Even without me there now.

"Go ahead I'm not hungry." He sighs sleepily.

"All those waffles with syrup, right off my stomach, I bet he'll lick every last bite-" I am thrown out of that statement by a sudden push.

I've managed to wake up my boyfriend, he's seething lazily before me as he realizes he fell into my trap. I give him a hug and kiss at his neck. "Well now you're up so you can be the one to do it." I say and I know he's smiling by the time I pull away.

"I'd better be the only person licking anything off of you ever. Not even a dog Stan, not even a dog." He threatens.

We both stand up at the same time and he follows me downstairs, holding onto my shoulder to stay steady.

He sits down at the table beside Kenny and rubs at his eyes.

Kenny hasn't moved and I kind of expected him to get a plate and eat. He waited though and I make a point to serve him first as a reward. The waffles have chocolate chips in them and both of them smile at me.

It does smell good, everything I've made smells awesome. Nothing burned even, and I hope this is a sign that the universe is blessing me with a better day than yesterday. Not that it need try very hard.

We eat in almost silence, but in the light of day Kenny looks awful, and I know Kyle and I aren't exactly being shy about staring at him. God those cuts are bad looking outside of a nightlight lit room.

I start to think that maybe we made the wrong choice in not taking him to the ER last night.

"So what are you guys up to today?" I break the silence and I watch them shrug, which makes me giggle. Same time same sigh and everything.

"I have to go to work today." Kenny says first and my mouth opens wide. No way in hell his boss will let him stay a shift with a face like that. His customers will be awful, just awful. Half will be scared of him, the other half will want to take him to the police to file a report.

"I'm going to the mall with my mother, she needs to buy me a suit for my aunts wedding." Kyle says and he sounds almost as miserable.

"Oh, I thought you'd be free all day." I say it to Kyle but I did think both of them would be free. I kind of thought we could watch movies or go somewhere fun. I could use some fun after last night.

"I work all weekend Stan." Kenny says and he takes another swig of water.

"You can't go to work like that." I say. Kyle was going to say it first but I interrupted him, because for some reason Kenny is fighting Kyle on everything and actually listening to what I have to say. At least that's how it was last night.

"Uhhh, I'll try to talk to him." His mouth opens wide, he kind of looks like a gaping fish. He's trying to think something through. "I have to work this weekend, I just have to. Do you think I can pretend I got attacked by a bear and someone shot it or something?" he asks in all seriousness.

"If you got attacked by a bear I still don' think your boss would let you show that face at work." I reply and I notice Kyle is fidgeting. He has something to say, I know he's trying to hold back and that's how he gets that way.

Dude, when he tried to tell me he had a crush on me, god he fidgeted so bad. I thought he had been diagnosed with cancer or something, it got us both worked up. His fingers turned red where he was rubbing them so hard and twisting them around in his hands. I was almost relieved when it turned out to only be a confession. Well yeah, sure I was felt the initial relief but it also bothered me. I kind of felt mad at him for a while. I had a lot of trouble with it, it seems silly now that we worked it all out. If I had only known back then, I would have jumped him in a heart beat.

"I need the money or I can't pay bills this month." Kenny says. I don't think he knows Kyle like I do. Or he might try to diffuse whatever it is Kyle is building up to.

"A bear would have killed you though, and it would be in the news." I say to him.

He frowns and crosses his arms again, closing himself off.

"You could go with a car wreck if that helps, but I still think it's the face, not the excuse that's the problem here buddy." I say.

Kenny shakes his head as if that couldn't possibly be a reason to stop him from working.

"So-" Kyle starts and Kenny's head whips around to him. That tone would startle anyone, and I know what's coming next.

"Not a bear attack and not a car wreck. What did happen then?" He asks. It sounds like a normal question but he knows it's not and that's even worse.

"I said I'm not going to talk to you about that." Kenny immediately offers.

"No, you will talk to me about this. What happened?" Kyle pushes.

"You have no right to ask me about this and I'm not telling you." Kenny says hunching down in his seat.

"Kyle, stop." I try but they're already there. Kyle wants to know and he's a bit of an asshole when it comes to stubbornness.

"No Stan, I'm a friend too, right? I'm your boyfriend aren't I? Even if I'm not apparently Kenny's little friend anymore. Between the two of you someone has got to tell me what's going on."

That was unreasonable, and I realize that the universe was wrong, I just got to have some waffles with my shit this morning, but it's still going to be shitty all the same.

"You are still my friend" Kenny says incredulously.

"Then why are you telling Stan and not me?"

This sounds similar, I want to say that Kenny hasn't told me anything but they're going at it. I do know what Kenny's going through but at the time I just happened to guess.

"Well if you had any brains in your head you'd already know and you wouldn't have to bug me with this shit. I'm just trying to eat my breakfast." Kenny yells.

"Well I can't see how you can even eat with you lip swollen and your whole face looking crushed in by a semi Ken. Or is that what happened? A semi hit you?" Kyle asks.

"No you fucking retard. Shut up." Kenny says.

"Do you want me to guess then?" Kyle asks. And he raises his eyebrows in a challenge.

"No."

"How about a boxing match? You getting into fights or maybe betting money on who will win?" he asks

"No."

"Tell me."

"Fuck no."

Kenny is about to leave the table, he jumps up and Kyle stands up too and I feel all of the tension in this room all at once.

"Guys stop, right now. Sit down and eat your breakfast." I try again.

"No, mom, I want to know and I want to know why Stan gets to know and I don't." He just called me mom, wow. Am I acting like a mother now?

"Stan doesn't know anything Kyle. He doesn't have to ask because he's not stupid like you." Kenny says.

"Fine I'm stupid, but at least I'm not a coward Kenny. At least I would go and file a police report and tell someone what he did to me. I would never let an ass hole like that beat me up again either." Kyle says.

Kenny looks at the floor and I'm not sure what he's thinking. But it's clear now that Kyle guessed it, probably knew since he started this fight. And Kenny has realized there's really no use lying anymore. I doubt he'll talk about it now, but he can't straight out lie to us. He sighs deeply looking aggravated.

"You're such a pussy Kyle, you couldn't take half the shit I have to live with every day. You don't know me and you don't know my life. You wouldn't understand if I explained it to you so stop pretending like you even care."

I think that Kyle is going to hit him, I stand up to get in the way because his fist is shaking. I have no clue what's got him into such a rage, but I know that look and I know how he shakes and gets red in the face when someone sets off his temper. It's not like he's never hit anybody before, even I have been at the receiving end of that, not since we were kids though but still.

"Both of you shut the fuck up. If I wanted to hear fighting this weekend I would have asked my parent to stay home. Now sit the fuck down right now or get the fuck out." I scream.

Kyle's rage subsides at that, it's due to surprise I think. Both of them are totally surprised and I didn't realize their squabble has gotten me so upset.

I shove a waffle into my mouth and I chew loudly to fill up the silence.

"I just thought we were friends" Kyle pouts after a few minutes go by. He's been done with the food for a while but he sits down anyway not even looking at either of us. Kenny looks at me and then huffs loudly in annoyance.

"You always want to take things to the police and get idiots involved which just fucks things up even more. I don't understand why a smart guy like you still runs to these assholes who think they're adults every time shit hits the fan. I can handle this." Kenny says and it's in a more reasonable tone but still filled with venom.

"Well I think we can see that you're handling this perfectly." Kyle replies and Kenny looks down at the ground again.

He doesn't move for a long time, and before long I've changed the subject and Kyle and I are talking about the shopping trip. He's coming back home at 8:00pm, so he can totally come over here and have a "sleep over". Kyle is so excited by that thought, I can see his face break into a smile and I think he almost forgot what was wrong before.

I don't feel the same way though, I still can't help but think about the tension, and my mom's confession last night, and Kenny's appearance in the middle of the night and all my other problems. I'm hoping getting horny will help me focus later, because I'm just not as excited as I should be.

Kenny gets up and settles down on the couch with my mom's throw. He looks like he's going to fall asleep and I start talking quieter, not sure what time I should wake him up if he decides to go to work.

Kyle and I chat, he does most of it but it's nice to hear him talk and I scoot close to him so I can hold his hand, because touching is so nice. We've never gotten to be this open in my kitchen or anywhere else in the house besides my bedroom.

I don't like that he has to call him mom and leave by 12:30. He tells her he came over here at nine for some stupid reason, and she buys it. I don't know, maybe Kyle wakes up early even on the weekends. Maybe she thinks he was there all night and snuck away this morning, I don't even know if his mom wakes up early on Saturdays. But I assume Kyle is lazy when he can be because he's always sleeping around me.

I've decided that we could spend our fifteen minutes before she picks him up better by going up to my room so Kenny can rest. I'm on the bottom step when I hear Kyle's name and we both look over at Kenny.

He isn't asleep and I doubt now that he ever was. He's just being silent, the way he gets sometimes.

"Kyle, you and I are friends." He says and for a second I think it's out of nowhere before I remember their fight.

"I know." Kyle states and I think he just wants to excuse the two of us so we can both go upstairs. But we wait for Kenny to continue.

"You know things about me, I tell you things and you know that." Kenny says and he's shaking his head like there's something else.

"I'm sorry Kenny, I shouldn't have pushed you. I know that, I do." Kyle says.

Well I'm glad they talk, I don't really know when they hang out together, we usually do things as a group. I kind of thought Kenny and I always got along better. And I assumed him and Kyle only bothered staying friends because I was there to bridge the gap.

"We've told each other things we haven't told anyone else." He says quietly and I arch a brow at that turning to Kyle for some sort of confirmation. He looks like someone just slapped him.

"Kenny-" he says way too fast and harsh. He wants him to stop talking now and I can't help but be curious.

Kyle and Kenny keep things from me? That's a new one.

_You keep things from them too don't you._

But my stuff is more important isn't it?

"I know how you get when you find out things, and I don't need you getting all mad and uppity because of this shit." He says softer still.

"Well maybe someone should, at least then you might start showing up on my doorstep without any bruises." I find myself saying.

Kenny doesn't respond, he doesn't act like he's heard either of us. He just sits like he's talking this out by himself. I feel this growing fear that he's not doing as okay as I thought before.

Being with Kyle has almost made me forget.

But you definitely can never forget something like that.

And I can't bring it up now because the one thing I promised to do was not tell anyone. I made that stupid promise because he said he would stick around here, and at that point I would have promised him anything. He didn't want anybody to know, he told me that, nobody else and especially Kyle.

Kenny sighs and stares straight ahead to himself.

"My step dad likes to beat the shit out of my mom when he's drunk and then he goes after us kids. And last night I tried to fight him off but he's stronger so he won." He says.

Both of us knew, deep down we knew exactly what's been going on in that household. But it seems so much worse when he says it. And he pulls his legs in, guess he just needs to hold onto something.

"As you can tell I'm not strong enough to get him off of me so… I got knocked out when he threw me into a wall and I don't remember anything after that. He was gone when I woke up and so I came over here before he got back."

I have to think about that for a minute. "Not strong enough", it seems odd coming from him. Because Kenny's the kind of guy who's always strong, who can take anything. He's grown up with some stupid shit, but that's just his life. He always accepted it, and I guess we did too. I've never heard him complain about it really, and so, maybe it's been misguided this whole time but I kind of thought he could take anything. Being poor gave him a thick skin, and he's always so easy going about things. Kenny makes funny jokes and watches dirty movies and takes any bet you throw his way. And I always though his life might have sucked more than some peoples, and he definitely made me think a lot about it through middle school. But I don't think we can ignore this anymore the way we have, and I know he can't keep doing this. Maybe I should help him move out or something.


	8. Chapter 8

_Author's note: The reason I'm updating again is because I was actually working on this, and re-reading it. This chapter takes place entirely in the past, it's longer than the others, mostly because I decided to combine the original 8 and 9 because it seemed right to keep them in the same time in the past. I almost put something in between them, but this just made more sense._

_I like drama, but even I tend to roll my eyes at drama for the sake of drama. There is some of that in this chapter. That's just how it goes sometimes. If something were to irk me about how things have turned out thus far, that would be it. Thank you to anyone who is reading this, I love you more than you could ever know. There needs to be a little more love in the world I suppose. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but Kenny really is one of my favorite characters ever created. I've always loved him, even before he got any sort of actual development._

_This chapter is brought to you by Some Nights by Fun. My youtube account has informed me that I've listened to this song over fifty times now, which is just sad. I'm not saying it's a great song, or anything, but I have just listened to it a lot this week. I'm the kind of person who always reads author's notes and I end up listening to the music they post about, because I'm a freak like that. It's nice to know these little things about people though._

_-Thanks Cloren_

Chapter 8 - Kenny

After Eric's little pirate party in middle school I made a horrible choice. Sometimes I catch Stan staring at me, like he's doing right now and I can tell he wants to ask me if I still want to do it. And I wouldn't really know what to say, because I don't want to lie to him. I also don't want to upset him, I don't want him to have to break his promise to me. I mean, I've put forth a special kind of effort into looking and feeling as happy as possible around him since then. It's hard now, with my eye swollen shut and lip cut open, I think if I tried to smile at him like I usually do he will just finally realize I've been faking it all these years. Somehow I've kept it up since back then.

Nothing extraordinary happens the next day, nothing to change my choice. I sit in the same classes not talking to the same people I've known all my life. I didn't even feel like I was counting down to it. I was late to the bus stop so I barely got the bus driver to open the door before jumping on and making my way to the back. Stan and Kyle don't look up from their hand held video games to wave or say good morning to me. I don't bother giving them a greeting at all. I pretend to sleep the whole way to our middle school, but to be honest I'm not tired. I stayed up all night. Even though for the first time in a long time our heat was on and the pile of blankets got that cozy sense I rarely ever feel. It still didn't help me sleep at all.

I don't know what happened at school today, I couldn't tell you a word anybody said, teacher and student alike, but I'm pretty sure no one bothered talking to me. It's alright; I was preoccupied with other things. I sat in my last class for a long time after the bell rang, long after all the kids had left and the teacher made his way out of the room. I waited, knowing the buses would pull away and I wouldn't have a ride home. The only kids left would be the sports athletes. I'm happy at the thought that this will be the last class I ever have to sit through.

I have two envelops in my hand, I rub my fingers across the scrawled name I wrote on the one on top. _Kyle__, _ and I know just four letters are hard to make out. I really should have practiced harder. I wasn't even rushed, but my handwriting doesn't get much better than this. I sigh staring at the crisp white edges of the paper.

When I walk out there's a sudden urgency in my step. I don't want to get caught in the hallway, even though I'm sure I'm the only kid around. I pop over to Stan's locker and without taking a second look I cram the envelop through the top grate of the locker. I stare at the number afterwards, double checking in my head that it's Stan's. He has an athlete's letter decorating the front with his number on the football team. It's his, and I think how silly it was that I didn't check before I put the letter inside, given that I'd have to break into the locker to get it out.

Kyle's locker has the same athelete's letter except there's a basketball next to it. I put my letter inside and let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding. I walk a few steps and take the stairs up past the second and third floors of the building. When I go to twist the knob I hope that they haven't locked the only door to the school roof. It pops open and I smile to myself.

I walk out across the gray concrete and make my way over to the edge of the building. The middle school is one of the taller buildings in town and I can tell that going head first I'll definitely meet my demise. At least I hope I do, I stare for a while imagining myself falling and hitting my head. I imagine my body lying paralyzed in the melting snow and me surviving with more pain than I've ever known. My bones will definitely break, I'm sure they will. I shake off that thought, I'm not going to survive this. That comforts me I don't like the idea of being paralyzed.

Head trauma is supposed to be instant, quick enough that I won't feel a thing. Not that I'm scared of pain exactly, just-well obviously this is a better way. I wouldn't want to draw it out I guess. Too much time to think. I don't want to be halfway done in and have some sort of revelation out of fear. I don't want to start thinking about someone actually coming and stopping me. No going fast is so much better.

I step away from the edge and find myself sitting, my butt is instantly frozen by the bitter cold of the roof but I hug my knees and ignore the feeling.

I'm not ready yet.

The view from up here is not very impressive. Nothing is out there, just a field I think. I can see snow on the ground and the sky is gray but there's not going to be any snow tonight. There's no real difference on the white on white, and the horizon is blurry. I know behind me there's some mountains, but with the cloud coverage that's not very nice either. I'm going to die on a cold day, with shitty weather. It seems fitting.

I'm not sure how long I had sat in that classroom, I don't know what I was thinking about to begin with. But I know I sit longer on the roof. My teeth are clenching to keep from chattering and I don't want to get up. There has to be one last thought, something nice. I'm picking through my brain but all the reminiscing is making me feel nauseous in a way I'm not used to and I stop. No use in getting sentimental now.

When we were kids we used to play in the snow all the time. We should have been indifferent to it, growing up here, but there's some magic in watching snow fall from the sky. Whenever that would happen we'd all meet outside and sled and build snowmen and make snow angels. I can make a perfect snow angel, I don't know why. Mine always came out symmetrical and when I got up there were never annoying foot prints stuck through my imprint, I'm light and can jump up from a lying position so I never step in my imprint. It's probably the only thing I've ever been good at. I remember Kyle was always jealous, ever the perfectionist.

Stan got his camera and took a picture of mine once, it was as flawless as ever and he wanted the memory I guess. I remember he took a pic of all of us standing beside ours, then of the snow angels themselves. He gave me a copy two days later, I think it's still in the cardboard box I packed my memories into. I keep it in the back of the closet which is safer than the mess that is my bedroom. I'm glad I kept it but suddenly I'm thinking of all the other pictures in that box, copies from Stan or Kyle or their respective mothers over time. I don't think I have ever seen my family take a picture, we don't even own a camera. Everything I've ever had has been given to me by those two guys.

But I don't want to think about the pictures or how Kyle's smile is always lopsided knowingly or the fact that Stan's teeth are crooked on one side but his smiles are always wide anyway. Or that they both always put their arms around my shoulders so we can all fit in the shot. All of that is in a box so I don't have to think about it right now.

I smile to myself before standing up. I'm going to make a really good snow angel today.

I walk to the edge and stare down one last time before turning around. You're supposed to fall backwards, that's how it's done. I don't know where I learned that, but I think it helps you get up the nerve. You don't have to look down, and I am reminded of the game Trust, they make kids play at summer camps. I should at least think about boobs or something nice before I fall. I should have tried to have gotten laid, at least once. Oh well, no time for regrets now.

I hear the door open with a clang but my eyes are shut tightly and before I can open them someone is calling out to me.

But I've already leaned back and I can feel my feet leave the edge momentarily before my whole body is heaved up and thrown forwards. I'm not sure what just happened, the shift in gravity was so crazy that I can't tell where I'm at. I've landed on my back and the wind is knocked out of me which hurts like a son of a bitch. But that fall wasn't long enough for me to have hit the ground and someone is on top of me. And I'm obviously not dead. I register hands on my back, digging in with nails and the force of holding onto me for dear life.

"Fuck, fuck you stupid fucking fucker. What the hell." I hear and Stan is yelling at me. I'm at a loss, I really should be on the ground outside right now.

"Kenny what were you thinking, Jesus fucking Christ." I hear him groan and he's breathing so hard right now, I can feel it hitting my neck and I glance at the side of his head that he's buried into my shoulder. He hasn't let up at all, and I see now that he must have grabbed me and thrown us both down back to the roof.

"Stan?" I ask stupidly. But he doesn't move at all.

"Do you know what almost happened?" He says still out of breath and I push against him. Because something in his voice is making me really uncomfortable. Of course I know what almost happened, I've been thinking about it all freaking day. I don't want to say that to him and I realize I don't want him here at all right now.

He raises up and he's crying and breathing like he's just run a marathon and I'm stunned. I don't understand what's wrong with him.

He slaps me then. I feel the sting and my whole face is thrown to the left and he's glaring down at me. He has never hit me in his life, even when we rough housed as kids, I'm a bit shocked. His other hand leaves my back and he thrusts it into the collar of my jacket with violence I've rarely seen from him.

"What were you doing?" He demands. I don't know how to answer him. I shake my head entirely bewildered by the change in events.

"Why are you here?" I ask.

It's not a miracle, I don't believe in them at all. It's a huge inconvenience actually. Things would have been so much simpler if he wasn't here right now. I'm really angry with him, for being in front of me. For being in time to stop me.

"I ran as soon as I read your letter." He says.

My letter is in his locker, he's not supposed to open it until tomorrow.

"Letter? Why are you at school, how did you get the letter?" I didn't bother denying that I wrote it, I mean he is here. It would be useless to now.

"I had practice today" he puts emphasis on the word and I blink at him in surprise.

Of course, he always stays after school for practice. Was I out here that long? His practice is over then?

"And, shit Kenny what were you thinking. Why?" his head is shaking again but I don't know why. "I got here and I thought, shit I thought I'd be too late."

Stan's face contorts and I shouldn't watch but I can't look away. He's crying really hard now and I don't know what to do. He saves me the trouble of watching him because he falls back on me and buries his head, still clutching my shirt like I'll slip away into the concrete.

"I thought I wasn't going to make it in time." He breathes out.

I can't handle this, I've never seen Stan cry. Not once in my whole life and it wasn't supposed to be like this. Because Stan doesn't really care about me. No one does.

I don't move, I just sigh and pat at his head. I want him off of me, I've never been held for this long and it's making me uncomfortable. But when I sit up and try to move away he pulls me closer and I can't get away. I need to be away from him, from everyone. Something in the way he chokes makes every thought I'm having still.

I wrap my arms around him and pat his back just as awkwardly as I had his head.

I'm the one who wants to die and he's the one crying. I'm such an asshole.

"Stop. Stan, stop right now." I say sternly but the cold has made my teeth chatter and the firmness is lost.

"Why do you want to kill yourself?"

It sounds stupid to me as he says it. I don't have an answer though. It's too complicated to put into words and as the list of things I reassured myself with last night comes rushing into me I shake my head, hoping to shake them out with the futile gesture.

"This wasn't supposed to happen this way." I give a disappointed sigh and look down at the roof and away from Stan. He whips his head up at me.

"Fuck you Kenny." He punches at my chest but backs off and I scoot away from him as well. I prefer the anger really. Anger makes a lot of sense to me, and if it helps him stop crying I am for it.

I finally can curl up the way I want to. I want to hide so badly right now but the best I can manage is pulling my knees as close as they can get to me and wrapping my arms around them to get balance. Of all the days for someone to find me; why today? Why couldn't it be like every other time, where everybody is busy with their school work and ball games. I've spent so many days alone, even when I'd think to myself if only someone were here with me. But today the universe is screwing me over once again. I abandoned those clingy needy feelings, I did. And I just want everyone to leave me alone, because once I'm gone they're going to be better off, I'm going to be better off. I should have done this at home, so no one would bother with me at all. I shouldn't have written those letters.

No I had to write those letters, I had to at least let Stan and Kyle know it was okay. But I really shouldn't have put them in their lockers at school. All I needed to do was leave them in my room this morning and someone would have passed them along eventually. I just kind of hoped my parents wouldn't read them, or wouldn't wonder why I didn't write to them too.

Mother fucker, I can't even get dying right.

"I'm glad it did happen this way." He says to me. I bury my head into my knees and take a deep breath. I don't want to argue with him, not after the way he just was crying and I feel like such an asshole still.

"It doesn't matter Stan." I say. I know its muffled but he hears me.

"Don't say that. Of course it matters." He says to me.

"No, I just…"I abandon the words. I don't want to explain it to him.

"You must be really stupid to want to kill yourself you know that Kenny McCormick. I don't understand, I can't even believe this. I didn't believe your letter when I read it." He sighs and I look over at him. He's sitting cross legged with his head facing the ground. I'm happy to see his breathing has finally leveled out.

"You were supposed to get that tomorrow." I say looking back down again.

"I'm sorry." He says.

I'm not sure if it's because he's early or because I'm so mad at him. But he clarifies it for himself.

"I'm sorry you felt this way. I'm sorry I didn't know, I didn't notice. I thought you were okay." He shakes his head and we make eye contact for the first time since he got here. His eyes are glistening blue, and they'd be really pretty if I didn't know it was because he's been crying over me.

"I'm sorry too." I say. I don't know if I am but I can tell it makes him feel better. He gets up and stands then walks over to me and kneels.

"Can we go inside, you're freezing." He says and I grip his wrist and he hauls me to my feet. He doesn't move from behind me, like he's blocking me from making a run for the edge again. I head to the door not knowing if he's surprised that I'm doing what he said.

I'm not talking to him, I don't know what to say, my head is blank. I've never been much of a conversationalist and this is the most embarrassed I've ever been. It's nice to be inside at least. He goes to his locker and I follow in step with him.

"Here wear this." He says handing me his winter coat and I pull it on. It's really warm, better than anything I own. I feel like a girl though wearing his coat.

"You're coming over to my house." He says and we head to the front doors.

"Okay Stan." I say. There's no other place I'd rather go, I definitely don't want to go back to my house. We stop in the doorway and he turns to me and gives me an odd look. He gives me a hug and I struggle to get out of it but he's stronger than me.

"My mom's here to pick me up I'm just going to tell her you're not feeling well. I won't tell her what happened okay." He says softly to me and I stop struggling instantly. I'm shaking, I haven't stopped actually, not since he threw me to the roof. I probably look like shit, I guess his mom would ask me about that.

I don't want to talk to Mrs. Marsh. But I follow Stan anyway, out to his mom's van. His father bought it for all the team meets, it has eight seats and I choose the one in the back.

"Oh, Kenny. What are you doing here after school?" His mom asks and I settle as far away from her as possible.

"Detention." I lie and she buys it, probably assuming it's a usual occurrence.

"Kenny's not feeling well can he come over for dinner tonight mom?" Stan says from the front seat and she doesn't question him. Not feeling well usually means I haven't eaten in a while, Stan wouldn't invite me over if I were actually sick. Mrs. Marsh has picked up on this over time.

But I do feel sick, I feel like barfing all the way to their house. The only reason I don't is because my stomach is totally empty. I even feel it spasm and clench in an effort to try but my body controls it and I just ache in emptiness. I don't know what's wrong with me, it's not the motion of the car. It's probably stress, I didn't get any sleep last night.

I don't register that we've stopped; I didn't hear Stan open his door or see Mrs. Marsh make her way inside. It's not until Stan's on my side of the car opening the door that I jump. He unbuckles my seat belt which was unnecessary. I'm not a kid.

He helps me out of the car regardless and I'm starting to wonder if he knows I'm about to hurl. Even walking is making the world shift, like I'm on a sail boat and everything is moving out from under my feet. When we walk inside he hovers behind me but I don't mind so much right now. My head hurts and I want to lay down. I'm glad he heads up to his room and no one says a word to either of us as we go upstairs.

He closes the door and I sit on the bed, I feel motion sickness but we're not even moving anymore.

"You alright Kenny?" he asks.

"No." I say truthfully.

"Can we talk?" Stan says.

I shake my head at him and he comes over and sits beside me.

"Okay, but you have to hear me out later then." He says and I nod at him even though I'm not going to. I just need to agree with him right now. I just need to lay down. I'm happy Stan respects me enough to know ranting and raving at me right now is totally useless. I'm kind of glad he's not Kyle.

"I can't handle this right now." I say softly and his arm wraps around my shoulders in a friendly gesture. It's the first hug he's given me that doesn't make my skin crawl. I actually find myself leaning into him and I rest my head on his shoulder.

It's a few minutes that pass before he's up turning on a movie on the small screen tv next to the bed. I've buried myself in a blanket and his bed is really comfortable, better than the worn out piece of shit I have at home. I rest on my side facing the screen and he sits down near my feet leaning back on his hands for support.

We watch Terrance and Philip Asses of Fire and I fall asleep for the first time in 24 hours. Not sleeping isn't something I usually do, I'm not an insomniac by any stretch. That would be something Tweek would do, and I definitely don't want to end up like him. Sleeping is the best thing that's happened to me all week. When he wakes me up it is to the smell of food which I don't mind. I sit up and there's a big difference in how I feel. It might have been an hour at most but my body no longer feels like crap. And I'm starving, I skipped out on lunch earlier. The thing is, I didn't want to eat today because when you die you shit your pants. I didn't want to smell like shit out in the snow, I guess when you're thinking ahead you consider such things.

But I'm at Stan's and chances are I'm not going to try jumping off a building any time soon. So I pick up my plate hungrily. Mrs. Marsh made pasta with chicken and lots of veggies, I pick some of them out, broccoli and cauliflower. Yuck. Stan eats them, if he wasn't so afraid of turning into a giant pussy I think he'd stop eating meat all together. He has a whole other heart for animals, which is sweet, I guess... If you're a hippie.

I'm still hungry when I've finished what's on my plate, but I'm kind of always hungry. I never know when I'll get more food so I have a hearty appetite. Stan passes me warm bread, most of the loaf actually. I eat more than my fair share but he doesn't seem to mind.

"What movie do you want to watch next?" he asks and I stare at his shelf for a minute. But then I'm distracted, I'm still wearing Stan's winter coat and when I was asleep, and then eating I began to get way too hot. I usually feel cold wherever I am, no matter what I do, but I think I'm overheating right now. I peel off his coat and my own jacket it soaked with sweat. I smell, and I'm sticky which is uncomfortable. I wipe my forehead with my wrist before standing up. I go to his closet and pull out a towel, feeling him watch me with sudden interest.

"Yeah, just pick out one. I'll be back after I take a shower." I say and he stands up as well. He goes into the bathroom and rummages about for some stuff, I don't know what since I can barely hear him. I walk in on him just as he's pulling out my spare tooth brush. I think his mom had just been keeping a couple around for guests, but I claimed this one a few months ago and it's always here when I need it.

I brush my teeth and Stan leaves me to it. I look in the mirror, and oh hell do I look like shit. I look like the one who was crying, my eyes are sunken in and there's dark marks underneath which resemble the black eyes my parents occasionally give each other. My hair is matted to my head, more so than usual. It's gotten long again and I think it's a tangled mess, nothing out of the ordinary except now there's a greasy glean to it and some strands are sticking to the sweat on my face. I'm dirty too, I don't know what from.

I turn away and get the shower started. The hot water comes out instantly and I can already feel the steam filling Stan's bathroom. I peel off my shirt and kick off my pants lazily before the door opens again.

I've never been the modest type and Stan and I know each other well enough that it doesn't matter if we get dressed in front of each other. He walks in nonplussed and sets a pile of folded clothing on the toilet.

"Have a nice shower" he says and I nod to him before he walks out again.

It's a pair of matching pajamas, long sleeved blue ones. The fabric is thick and really soft, something I'm not used to.

Pajamas huh, I must be spending the night then. I don't think on it any more than that and I jump into the warm shower that's awaiting me.

Showers are amazing, they can change the way you feel in an instant. And the sound is so perfect, sometimes it's the only thing that quiets the thoughts in my head. Sometimes at home it can even drown out the fighting and drunk antics of my moronic parents and for a few moments there's nothing but that rushing sound.

I stay in longer than I mean to, I spend some time combing through my hair and I find that Stan's comb is suddenly gaining a lot of blonde hair where I'm ripping out knots.

Stan comes by and checks on me, he knocks which is so obvious and waits for me to answer. He's nervous though, like leaving my side for a second might mean I'll die. It's not like this bathroom is full of razor blades or something. He's being overly dramatic and I wish he'd let it go. When I get to his room, dressed in the warm night wear he gave me he's sitting on the bed reading a piece of paper. He puts it aside and stands up to get the phone on his dresser.

"Kenny, you need to call your parents. I want you to spend the night." I give him a "oh really look", I'm in his freaking pajamas aren't I?

"Don't worry about it, I don't need to call them." I say sitting down on the bed in my nest of blankets.

"And what if they've called the cops on you, they're probably looking for you right now after reading the letter you gave them." He says angrily and I shoot him a look of surprise.

"They aren't looking for me, and they wouldn't call the stupid ass cops if they were Stan. They don't even have a land line right now"

He crosses his arms and shakes his head at me.

"I don't know what's going on between you and your folks, but if they read a suicide note then they are looking for you."

I laugh then, and he seems to be getting angrier, but he's totally misunderstood me. I raise a hand to stop him.

"I didn't write to them." I say.

He blinks at me then tilts his head to the side and he looks like a puppy when he does that.

"So who did you write letters to?" he asks.

I take a deep breath. It's weird I didn't want to write my folks, maybe not that weird given what jerks they can be.

"You and Kyle, I wrote a letter to Cartman too. Oh and one to Craig but it was just a picture of a dick and me flipping him off. Oh but I wrote that last week, I guess it doesn't have to do with this does it?" I shrug and Stan stares at me. I'm more random when I'm tired, but seriously, fuck Craig he's an asshole.

"What did you write to the other two?" he asks.

"Umm, I yelled a Cartman, just a string of insults really. He'll probably read it and not understand a thing now." I sigh and my shoulders slump a bit.

"And I wrote Kyle a goodbye letter, it's in his locker at school."

"You didn't write to anyone else? You're sister or brother or…." He blinks again and he looks a bit stunned. "No one else?"

I nod my head. There is no one else, not really. Stan's letter is the longest, and I don't want him to ever read the one I wrote to Kyle. I definitely don't want Kyle to read what I wrote him.

"I need to get the letter I wrote Kyle out of his locker tomorrow before he checks it." I say grimly. I pull at my hair feeling overwhelmed again.

"Okay we'll get it in the morning." Stan says.

I don't want people to know and I'm not sure what Stan's going to do. I still don't want to talk to him about this.

Stan is usually good about letting stuff go, especially if I ask him to do it. But he's got something to say to me. We are going to have to talk and telling him I'm not ready won't do me any good. I'm thinking a lot clearer now, it's because I feel better. If I tell him it was just an impulsive decision I think I can pull it off. I mean sure my letter talks about how I really felt but I totally wrote that shit last night. I think Stan will buy it, and he shouldn't even care anyway so-I mean sure I'm here after he saved me so dramatically but he would have done that for anyone. Things like this just happen to Stan, doesn't mean anything. I won't have a problem lying to him, actually I have to lie to him. It's the only way out.

Stan

_Dear Stan,_

_This is the first letter I've ever written someone, that's weird right? I never tried to do this before. Well I never had anyone to write to before either. I guess it's the last letter I'm going to write to you. That's stupid isn't, god what am I doing anyway. I don't know what I wanted to tell you, it can't really be "Dude, hey what's up". Because there's no way for you to answer me right? Sorry my handwriting is so crap too. I'm not very good at this._

_But anyway I just wanted to say goodbye because you are like my best friend. I don't know if you know that, someone as cool as you probably doesn't think that about me. But I've known you the longest, and there have been times that we had fun right? I had fun at least. I did, I wanted you to know that I was happy when I was with you and Kyle, and even Cartman sometimes. Don't tell him I said that thoug though you ass hole. Fuck this is hard. I don't want to explain myself. And I really don't think you want to hear it but I promised myself I'd give you a reason. So I'm sick of life and being alive. I'm sure you already guessed that since I'm dead right. It's hard to think about what you think after I'm gone. Nevermind. But, well my life sucks and it has for as long as I can remember. I know you know that so you can't be mad at me. I want to die because life is shit and I really will be better off and you are going to have to believe me about that. So I __wanted to say that I care about you. __I wanted to say that it was nice being friends with you, even if I never told you._

_ I think you and Kyle were good friends. I want you two to stay good friends with each other. And I know I never really mattered much to the group but at least you guys should be together. Stick by each other no matter what, because I can't help you anymore. So, yeah, take care of Kyle like you always have. If you don't I promise I will haunt your ass, and you don't want to disturb me from my rest. I would be a bitch about it too, haunting you while you're trying to take a shit. I might have to possess Cartman since he's already an asshole and it would be so fucking funny._

_Well that's all there is to say. I've felt like crap for a while and I'm just tired of it. Jumping off the school roof seems like a good idea, because it is pretty high and we all hate this school. Maybe they will even call it off for a few days so you can all have a day off. You can't say I never did anything for you man, unless they do make you go to school._

_Umm, I'm not sure if you're going to be a pussy about this, if you care that is. But I mean, like don't cry or anything. I don't think you would but I'm telling you not to man. Just promise me that much. It's not a big deal anyway. __I'm not sure if there's something else to say.__ Oh, if today was someone's birthday tell them I'm sorry, it would suck for everyone to make a big fuss on my birthday over some loser kid dying. I think you're good for apologies like that, so just tell the kid that. This is getting long isn't it. Okay Stan, __I'm going now__, I'm kind of gone and now this doesn't make sense. Shit. I knew I shouldn't have done this._

_I love you man, bye._

_-Kenny McCormick_

_PS: If nobody found my body yet like after school or something then I jumped off the roof to the back of the school lot and you should tell someone. Whatever you do don't like go look yourself, or take pictures or something. Never mind I can't ask you not to do that, but if I was out all night or something it might be gross, like rats might be knowing on my corpse. That's all I'm saying, and if I shit my pants don't let them tell everybody. I just thought of that, sorry to ask you but I already sealed Kyle's letter so I can't tell him. Bye Stan._

Sitting on my bed and re-reading the letter Kenny shoved into my locker hours ago I realize a couple of things. Kenny isn't a very good writer; I'm surprised I got anything out of the letter. Re-reading doesn't make me feel the way I did the first time. My blood was pumping so hard and I felt sick. I thought he was already dead and I ran as fast as my legs could carry me. I couldn't believe he was actually going to do it. And it's a fucking miracle that I grabbed him in time. When I opened that door I could see him slipping over the edge, even now the image of him slipping out of reach and hitting the ground makes me sick to my stomach.

Now he's taking a shower and I am trying to stay calm, because it's over. But I don't think these kinds of things go away, he's not dead but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to be. And that thought more than anything else terrifies me. I'm not sure what to say to him, if I even have the right to say anything. But I wouldn't be a very good friend if I didn't do something. I'm not a very good friend anyway, I mean my best friend was about to off himself and it took me completely by surprise.

I wish someone could help me with this, I'm not an adult or a psychologist or the kind of person who knows what to do or say to someone who's feeling like this. I mean, I've been depressed for a week now over that stupid Sally girl, and I couldn't get myself out of that. What makes me think I can do anything to stop Ken. Fuck I have no clue.

When Kenny comes back in I ask about his parents and realize that he didn't want to write to them at all. I got this crappy little letter, me, someone he had to question as to whether they were actually his friend or not. And his own folks got nothing. I hate them even more now, for never being there for him. For making him feel unwanted and unloved and for not noticing how sad he's become. They made his life hell and if I go to them, if we leave right now and tell them what he just tried to do to himself they wouldn't have a clue. They're probably drunk or high right now anyway, they probably would tell us to fuck off as soon as we walked through the door, if they weren't too busy fighting each other like usual.

God I hate them.

I sit down next to him and he's stewing. He still seems mad at me, but I'm the one who did the right thing. I wonder why he can't see that. I wonder why he can't tell how much he scared me.

"You scared the shit out of me you know." I say and I look for his reaction. He shrugs dismissing my feelings.

"I ran, ran when I read that thing you left me. And I really thought you were dead Kenny."

I don't know why that makes him smile but it infuriates me.

"Shut up Stan, I don't want to talk about this." He says

"No because you scared me, and you don't even care. You don't care what that would have done to me. To all of us if you were dead- Kenny that would have-" I shake my head trying to string together words that can make him see but I paused too long and I hear him laugh at me.

"It would have been better for everybody." He finishes.

"No." I shout at him and grab him by the collar which makes him flinch. "No that's not it, don't fucking think that way man. It would have ruined my life." I stare at him because I still think he's not taking me seriously.

"You would get over it Stan. Let go." He says brushing my hands away, but my grip holds.

"I wouldn't. You know I wouldn't, and that's why you had to write to me. Because we're friends and my life wouldn't just suck if you killed yourself. It would be the worst thing that's ever happened to me." He shakes his head but he looks taken aback and I think I can do this. Can make him see what I mean.

"And your parents' lives, and Kyle's and all of your friends at school. Because believe it or not we love you Kenny. And none of us would be okay if you were dead." My grip on him loosens as all the tension I've been holding in flows out and he takes the opportunity to jump off of my bed. He backs away from me, as far away as he can get until his back is against the wall by my closet.

"Alright Stan fine." He crosses his arms and stares at me. "You're right okay. I'm sorry I scared you, I should have never written that stupid thing. Drop it." He says and he looks away from me distracting himself with my carpet.

"It's not just the letter Ken, it's what you almost did." I say and his only reaction is to kick at my carpet shuffling his feet.

"So will you tell me why you feel this way? I can listen, I'll try to help you. Just talk to me." I try and he whips his head up and glares.

"We're not going to have girl talk about my precious wittle feelings. I'd rather die than do that." He says.

I have a feeling he'd rather die than do a lot of things right now.

"Yeah and you are going to die If you don't talk to someone."

"I am fine with that. Drop it." He says but I stand up and make my way over to him.

"I'm not dropping this, but I don't know what to do. I'm not going to let you kill yourself." I say and I walk out the door going down the hallway. I think the only thing I can do now is tell my folks, I hope my mom has an idea as to what to do because I'm at a loss.

"Where are you going?" Kenny calls after me and I just walk down the stairs. I get three steps in before I feel someone yanking on my arm and whispering to me like crazy.

"Where are you going Stan, don't go down there." I turn around to him

"I'm going to talk to my mom I think we both need help right now." I reply and I try to yank my arm out of his hold.

His eyes grow wide with that realization and he pulls me up the steps I went down and nearly throws me into a wall. He grips both of my shoulders with his small hands and all I can really see is this pleading look in his eyes.

"Don't, god please don't Stan. Just come back in the room with me." He says and he looks down at the carpet as if it will give him an answer to make me stop.

"If we go back you're going to talk to me right?" I say.

"No, I already told you, fuck Stan just-" but I rip myself away from him, because I am stronger and he is a lot smaller than me.

I walk down the stairs quickly. "Hey mom, I need to talk to you can you come here." I call out.

Kenny runs after me as I take a turn and he grabs my shoulder again to stop me.

"Stan stop." He says but I ignore him.

"I really need to talk to you mom."

My dad is on the couch and he looks at the two of us.

"What's the matter Stanley?" he asks me but I walk towards the kitchen to find mom.

"Don't, Stan please don't." Kenny begs and he's pulling on me to go back up the stairs.

"You guys having a fight or something?" My father asks us and I respond by pushing Kenny away from me.

He lands on the floor, I think he was too tired to catch himself and I didn't hold anything back with my shove.

"Stan I'm in here, I'll be right there sweetie." I hear mom call and I walk towards her voice, she's in the den.

"Stan I'm asking you to stop. God please dude." Kenny says and he picks himself off the floor. I pause and stare at him, he's shaking again and talking to my folks is terrifying him. That's not what I meant to do, but he's not leaving me much of a choice.

"Kenny, are you okay?" My dad asks and he's gotten up off the couch.

"No he's not Dad. He's not okay at all." I want to continue but my dad isn't really the sort you talk to about emotional stuff.

My mom comes out of the den and she stares at the two of us expectantly.

I catch another look from Kenny his eyes are as big as saucers. Now I'm not sure what I should say, he's not going to forgive me this time. I'm probably making thing worse.

"Stan don't bother her with this shit. I just want to talk to you." He says softly.

I pushed too far, he fidgets with his hands like crazy and my mother looks between us.

"What's going on boys?" She asks.

"Kenny and I were talking and he has this problem."

"Stop." Kenny says and I do.

"Do you want to talk to me about your problem Kenny?" My mom asks him.

He shakes his head so violently I wonder if it's going to fly off.

"I want to talk to Stan, I think he's overreacting Mrs. Marsh. But we can work this out on our own." Kenny says and he gives me a definitive look.

"Stan, umm sweetie." My mom walks over to me and puts a hand on my shoulder. "Look, maybe you should try talking together, I really don't think Kenny wants to talk to me. And I can always, always help the two of you with his problem. I promise." I'm stunned but I realize she was checking her Facebook and even though I need her help she has other things on her mind. That pisses me off.

"Fine." I say crossing my arms. She pats me on the head and heads back into the den. When I turn around my father is already staring back at the game that's on and I huff in annoyance at both of them. They are nearly as bad as Kenny's parents, and those bastards hit him.

Kenny is silent the whole way back upstairs but he sits back on the bed and I close my door and lock it.

"I can't believe you tried to do that to me." He says.

I watch him bury his face in his hands leaning on his elbows. He looks so pathetic and now I do feel bad.

"I'm sorry, I just want to talk to you." I say. I kneel down and look at him, he's trying to hide but he's not crying like I thought.

"What do you want me to say Stan?" he asks.

I want him to tell me what's going on, to talk to me like friends are supposed to talk. But I can't make him tell me all that. I don't know, I mean I just want him to say he's not going to do it again.

"Just tell me what happened." I try. He takes a deep breath and tightens his hold on his face.

"I just got tired of it all. Yesterday when we were playing that stupid game I got really mad because I lost. And you guys always play that game, the one where you come up with ways I should die. And I thought-umm." He sighs losing track of what he was going to say.

"That's a stupid game, it's just a joke Kenny, we don't actually want you die or anything." I can't believe that's it. I never thought about it before, it was just something we joke about.

"Well I don't like it and you guys are right. So I thought I should just do it and I was just pissed off okay. I'm not depressed or anything, I just figured you guys deserved it or something. I didn't even mean it, I overreacted." He says and he pulls his hand away to see my reaction.

I don't believe that was it, I don't see Kenny as the bitter kind of person who would throw himself off of a roof because he lost a game. This goes deeper than that.

"You were going to jump off a roof because you lost a game?" I ask skeptically.

"Umm, yeah it's stupid. So just forget about it." He shrugs and looks to me to see if I will.

"I don't believe you, I think you're trying to lie to me." I sigh and shake my head at him. "You really don't want to tell me what's going on do you." I say.

"I did tell you and I know it was stupid so I'm embarrassed Stan. I don't want you to tell your parents about this. It won't happen again." He says.

I hug him, even though I'm mad and I really feel like punching him again.

"Lie to me If you want, that's fine. I'll let it go, I won't tell them if that's what you want. But you can't even think about doing this again." I say and he returns my hug. I'm surprised by it, he had been hunched up and I thought he might hit me for coming so close to him.

"You really can't tell anybody." He states and I nod.

"I won't tell, not even Kyle, if you promise you won't hurt yourself again. If you feel like you want to I want you to come and talk to me." I lean back and he stares at me like I'm crazy.

"I won't, I don't want to talk to you." He says and I shake my head at him.

"I can't keep this a secret from everyone if I'm scared shitless that you will try to off yourself again." He winces but I continue. "I know it's hard and it's something you don't want to do but you have to come to me. I will sit up with you all night and you can tell me all the reasons you want to do it and I will sit and talk you out of it. And if that doesn't work, and you still really want to then we can go together and I can even hold your hand before you do it." I sigh loudly and my voice shakes and cracks like it did before I hit puberty and it changed. "But I don't want that, I want you to stay here, even if it sucks okay." I finish

"Okay Stan, I'll stay. You keep your promise and we can forget about this. I'll forget about it and I won't try-" he pauses and swallows loudly. "I won't hurt myself."

"Alright." And that's the end of it. I agree, against my better judgment but because I know it's the only way to get him to promise me. I feel better now because I think he'll keep his word. Kenny's that sort of guy who doesn't break promises easily. I don't want to preach anymore, I feel totally drained after today's events.

I stand up and put in Indiana Jones because it always cheers me up, the first movie not the newest one which mentally scarred us. I mean aliens, why the fucking aliens? Kenny falls asleep during it again and when the movie is over I get up and go downstairs to get some water.

There are cookies on the counter and my mom is watching tv in the living room when I grab my drink. She smiles at me and comes over to say goodnight.

"Is Kenny doing okay?" she asks and I shrug at her.

"We worked it out." I say.

"I can call his parents if you want. I should call family services again to tell them to check up, I swear they never respond to any of my reports." She shakes her head and I sigh. I wish this was about his home life, in a way it was but I can see he has more personal problems than just that.

"Don't bother they wouldn't care. And we worked it out. He's going to be fine now mom." I say and I go to head upstairs.

"He hasn't come over in a while he looks worse." She says and I stop. Yeah he's a lot worse than normal, I can tell he lost a lot of weight this year, when he should be hitting his last growth spurts.

"He's going to be fine mom. Hey, I kind of told him if he needs a place to stay than he can come over here, just in case you know." I say. I expect her to smile and nod at my generosity but she frowns at me.

"You said that? Ah, Stan I don't think he can just come over like that. He has his own home to go to, and I don't appreciate that you invited him here on a school night like this."

I'm shocked, she's mad at me for having him here. If she knew what he tried to do today… I glare at her totally pissed at that thought. He's my friend and she should care about his well-being.

"Well he's having a rough time, not like you care and he needs a safe place to be, whether you like it or not. I'm not going to sit by and let things hurt him when I can help him, and he needed a place to stay tonight." I bite back in anger.

"Well this our house Stanley and I do get to make the rules. I know Kenny has it hard but he can't just barge into other people's homes all the time. He should seek help."

"This is his help mom, we can help him. And he's my friend." I nearly scream at her. She's being a total bitch, can't she see that. "And you two are adults, you're supposed to help us kids and you won't. You don't give a shit about him and you know what mom, that makes you a cold hearted bitch." She gasps and I fly up the stairs.

"Stanley Marsh you are grounded mister, do you hear me young man. Oh the nerve of that little bastard." I hear her saying but I go into my room and close my door.

I don't know why I thought she could ever help me, I must have been delusional. Neither of our parents cares about us, and I'm so outraged by it. Whatever, if she thinks I'm going to tell Kenny to fuck off then she has another thing coming. I will invite him over every weekend and I will throw it in her face if she ever tells him he's not welcome here. He is, and I will make sure he knows it.

I crawl into bed next to him and calm myself down. I'm exhausted but my mind is still going a mile a minute. I want to reach out and touch him, just to reassure myself that he's still here. I don't, instead I watch him sleep and hope to god he figured out what it would mean to me if he ever disappeared.

When we get up the next morning for school Kenny asks to borrow some clothes. I take a shower and let him get ready in the bathroom. He smiles at me when he puts on my sisters head band and tells me he's going to school like that. I laugh and feel like things are almost back to normal. I ask if he's okay when we grab our breakfast and go to head for the bus. He tells me to never ask if he's fine again, to drop it and he gives me a pinch on the arm as he does so. A warning of sorts. I smile at him instead of getting mad, fine I won't ask again, I let it go. I let him borrow an extra coat I had from last year which fits him just fine. He wears my gloves and a hat too and he looks almost like a blond version of me.

I don't talk to either of my parents when I leave. My mom says goodbye and I walk out without even a wave. She didn't bother saying good morning to Kenny and it pissed me off. At the bus stop we run into Cartman and Kyle who are pointing fingers at each other in the usual fashion. Their bullshit argument is so unimportant, after yesterday this kind of shit doesn't even phase me. I tell them to shut up anyway, just so I can speak with Kyle. I want Fat ass to shut his fat trap for once and let me talk to my best friend. I watch Cartman walk up to Kenny. Kenny has been silent, not bothering with a good morning to either of them and he's tucked his hands in his pockets.

"You trying out a new Stan costume today eh Kinny?" Cartman asks.

"Not my name fat ass." Kenny corrects and Eric narrows his eyes, he wanted a different effect.

"Why are you wearing Stan's outfit huh? Did you guys have butt sex all night and you put on the wrong outfit loser?" Cartman asks and Kenny sighs annoyed. That was graphic.

"No, why are you thinking about that shit?" Kenny asks and he gives a little laugh.

"You didn't come here from your house, you were at Stan's. I'm right huh, you little gay wads walked here together." Cartman says triumphantly.

"Don't call people gay ass hole." Kyle pipes up and he wants another fight, Kyle always wants a fight with fat ass.

"Whatever Jew, I'll say what I want. Stan, you turning into goodwill now or what? Why's Kenny wearing your shit?" Cartman goes on.

"Cause he spent the night last night and I let him borrow some clothes. I'd let you borrow some too if I had of know you'd get so jealous but they wouldn't even fit over one of your legs you fat fuck." I reply smartly.

The three of us laugh at Cartman's expense but the bus pulls up and drowns out his angry reaction. I feel a snowball hit my back pack but no harm done. I sit next to Kyle in the middle but turn my head to watch as Kenny goes to the back. I sigh and turn back to my best friend who is staring at me curiously. Cartman sits in the back too and I can hear him talking to Kenny but I can't hear what they're saying anymore.

"Stan, why did Kenny sleep over at your house on a school night?" Kyle asks. What is he my mom?

"Umm, he didn't want to go home so I said he could come and eat with us and it got late so my mom invited him to stay." I say. He looks down at his shoes and I don't know what's bothering him so I stare out my window. Sometimes Kyle can be weird, like if I hang out with someone else he wants to know what we did together. I think he gets jealous or something, it's odd.

"So you want to come over to my house and we can play games tonight? My mom wants to go shopping on Saturday and you can come with us. I think we can go to the arcade and then later watch a movie." Kyle says.

"Sure, we should invite Kenny too." I say.

Kyle's eyes narrow at me in confusion. "Uh, why?" He asks me.

_Obviously because Kenny is our friend and it would be fun to hang with, why not_. I sit and think on why he's asking me, it's not that difficult.

"Because he's been kind of down lately, haven't you noticed. I think he would have fun if we all hung out together." I say. And Kyle nods his head as he thinks that over.

"But you know Ken doesn't have any cash, he can't come shopping with us." Kyle says.

"Don't worry, I'll cover for him." I state simply. I do have an allowance, it's not a big deal to treat Kenny out for some fun.

"But- last time we covered for him he was a giant ass hole." Kyle says and I blink at him. If we hadn't been so rude to him he probably wouldn't have been a shit to us that day. Plus obviously he was going through something and we just happened to make it worse. I can feel myself sink into guilt and Kyle looks confused by this.

"Well I want him to come and this time if neither of us bring up the money issue then we won't even fight about it. Why don't you want him to come Kyle?" I accuse. Any other time I would just agree that it should be just me and Kyle, but right now I'm feeling more protective of Kenny than usual, and I just want to watch him for a while.

"It's not that I don't want him to come." Kyle looks at me then shrugs. "Fine I'll invite him. We can all have a sleep over I guess." He says and then he's digging in his back pack and pulling out the novel he's been reading between periods. I smile, he's so predictable, getting mad and distracting himself by reading. I stare out the window sleepily until we reach the school.

Before the bus stops Kenny is out of his seat and running to the front. The bus driver yells for him to sit down and he just jumps down on the first step and looks over at her.

"Open the door you stupid bitch I've gotta take a piss." He mouths off to her. She opens it but she mutters something about him being a poor little ass hole. Kenny jumps off and bee lines it to the school. When I get off the bus I can see my old hat bobbing on a head of blond hair as he whips open the doors and runs inside.

"Wow, what's with him?" Kyle asks from beside me. I blink at him remembering the locker. Shit, I don't think Kenny knows the combo.

"Hey Cartman, tell Kyle that plan you had the other day, the one with the salt water tank and sushi place." I call and Cartman smirks before coming over. He loves annoying Kyle with his stupid ideas and he looks pleased that I remembered the one he was mouthing off to me the other day. I wave at Kyle before jogging over to the school.

"Where the hell are you going you bastard?" Kyle calls after me but I look over my shoulder and see that he can't get past fat ass at all. It's going to take him a few minutes to get out of arguing with him before he can chase after me.

I make it to Kyle's locker and Kenny is pulling on it with all his might. He's red in the face and I watch as he gives it a good kick again. "Open up you fucker." He yells and I laugh.

"Move aside ass hole." I say and he glares at me before moving.

"What you going to use your big strong muscles on it now?" he teases but he stops when he sees me fingering in the combination. I hear the click and I pull it open. Kenny scans the locker and immediately reaches for the note that is lying haphazardly at the bottom shelf on top of some math books.

"Got it." He sighs in relief. I watch him fold it up and stuff it into my old coats pocket.

"I totally forgot about that, sorry man. I should have distracted Kyle quicker." I say.

"Where is Kyle anyway?" Kenny asks as he closes the door to the locker.

"I asked Cartman to explain one of his stupid ideas to him." I say with a smile. Kenny smiles back.

"He's going to kill you later you know."

"Yeah, I know. But at least we got it." I say back. Kyle won't stay mad at me for long, he never does.

We walk to my locker together; Kenny leans on the one next to mine and watches as I do my own combination.

"So, does Kyle know your combo too then?" Kenny asks me and I give him a side long glance.

"Yeah, we traded on the first day of school." I reply. Kenny raises an eyebrow at me.

"Why?" he asks

"Because if one of us is home sick we can get the other's stuff out of their locker just in case. Plus for the first couple days I can never remember my combo so Kyle always stands and tells me." I tell him. Kyle is super handy when it comes to stuff like that, he's good with numbers.

"That's really weird. What if he tries to steal something out of your locker?" Kenny asks and he looks inside my locker for the first time this year. I realize we haven't done this, he never follows me to class and he looks over my pictures curiously. I have a fashion model in a bikini which he seems to approve of, and a picture of me and Kyle skiing together. My dad took the picture after we made it down the mountain and we're both flushed from the cold and laughing like crazy in our snow gear. I have a picture of the four of us on a camping trip sitting around a camp fire with marsh mellows. But I watch as Kenny reaches out and touches a picture I have of him, Cartman and Kyle standing next to snow angels we made a few months ago. I put the pic I took of his right next to it, like they're actually one big picture. He smiles at it sadly for a minute, and I can't figure out why he has that look on his face. It's the only picture I have of him where you can see his face and I only put it up because I liked the way the snow angels turned out. I'm actually pretty embarrassed by it, but no one's seemed to notice yet

Kyle comes up to me fuming and we both turn and I shut my locker door.

"What was that?" he asks me and I sigh at him.

"Just thought you'd like to hear how stupid he is. I had to listen to it for thirty minutes the other day when his mom took us out for Mexican food." I say with a knowing smile. Can't get mad at me if my situation was worse to begin with.

"No, what were you two up to. You did that on purpose Stan." He says and I keep smiling at him.

"Chill out dude." Kenny says.

I need a distraction again, Kyle's face is red and that's always alarming. "So Kyle what time should we come over tonight?" I ask out of the blue.

"What?" Kyle asks.

"You're going over to Kyle's?" Kenny asks

"No we're going over to Kyle's house, he's invited us to spend the weekend. I'm totally stoked, dude what time should we come over?" I say.

Kyle blinks at me then turns to Kenny. "Yeah, both of you should come by at like five I guess. My mom will have dinner ready by six so we can play games and get our stuff set up." He says.

"Oh Kyle, I can bring over some blankets and we can build a fort tonight. It will be awesome." I say, I've been wanting to do that for a while now.

"We might need a lot of blankets for that." Kyle says skeptically.

"I have blankets, I have a lot of them. I can bring them by." Kenny says and we both turn to look at him.

"You have lots of blankets?" I ask and he nods at me with a laugh.

"Yeah, Butters gave me some, I have like twenty. I can bring them with me, anything else you guys need?" he asks. As if there is anything else Kenny can afford to bring.

"No, nothing I can think of. Do you need to ask if you can come over tonight?" Kyle asks him and he shakes his head.

His parents probably really don't care but I wish he'd at least ask them before they file a missing persons report in their stupidity.

I remember my mother grounded me last night, but I don't care. I can ask her and if she still says no I will just sneak out. I might have to take a page out of Kenny's book.

When Kyle walks off for class Kenny stops me and gives me the saddest smile.

"He didn't really invite me did he man?" he asks and I sigh. I shouldn't lie but it's obvious.

"No, but he does want you to come. And more importantly I want you to come." I wrap my arm around his shoulder and give him a squeeze.

"You sure I won't ruin your night?" he asks and I nod at him. "Definitely not."

"We're going to have some fun together, because like you said, we do have fun together. I always have fun with you too." I lean over to him and whisper because I know he's going to get embarrassed but I remember his letter and the parts I could still read even though he tried to cross them out. "Because I care about you too man."

I'm surprised that he doesn't say anything to that but I can see him smile and that's all that really matters to me right now.

_Author's note/random commenting cont._- (I laughed at the abbreviation for continued for like a whole minute here because it sounds similar to a bad bad word.) _The note he left was very hard for me to write, I wanted to misspell things or cross out more, and I wanted a different font for it but it didn't happen. Mostly because it's hard for me to figure out what is easy to misspell, and the fonts I have all suck anyway. _

_I fought with the emotional flow of this, like hand to hand combat and everything ... I also defend the fact that Stan ended up crying here. I hate it when people talk about men not being able to cry, I've been around men my whole life and a lot of them get emotional over different things. I've seen them cry about stupider things than whatever is going on in this, so yeah manly crying is cool. Sometimes you just got to get weepy on people, put them in their place yo._

_Sorry for the randomness, this story takes on its own life and I am merely a slave to it. That's my new excuse anyway. Peace out ya'll, don't look forward to another update for a bit because I am also a slave to school. And school is about to whoop my stupid ass if I don't show it some lovin. If I could just show my professors some luv I could probably ace no problem…but alas. Thank you again all -Clover._


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